Power of A over B is = to B’s dependence on A

Remember how I decided I wanted to blog more... so I wrote a post... and then didn't write another for over 6 months? Lol. But that's beside the point. I'm here, and I'm writing again. I won't say I'm going to be better at blogging from here on out because I don't want to make any promises I'm not sure I can keep, hahaha. BUT, that's besides the point. Let's get to what I logged on for.

On Tuesday night in my "Negotiation and Mediation" class we learned the power formula, which is

PAB = BDA 

which means: "power of A over B is equal to B's dependence on A".  Read that slowly 5 times or until you get it. We were then asked "so if B wants to reduce A's power over him, what does he need to do?" simple. Reduce his dependence on A. It makes so much sense! If someone or something has power over you, take that power back by not depending on them/it!

During the lecture, she kept asking us to think about something/some place in our life where we feel stuck. Honestly, this whole time I really couldn't think of anything. Life is going well overall and everything in my life is moving in a positive direction. After teaching us about the power equation she asked once more for us to think about that "stuckness", and she asked how this equation relates... how could it help?

Instead of thinking of my current life this time, I thought back to a few years ago. "Stuck" was the theme of my life for quite a while, and although I can't think of a scenario in my current life where I'm stuck, I can think of a BIG scenario in the past where I was very very stuck, and that was in my eating disorder. My first two relapses were fast and hard, my third was slow. I was just.... stuck. I stayed stuck for about a year and a half. I'd lose a little weight and decrease my calories a little bit, and then stay put where I was and plateau, and then I'd decreased a little more and plateau again, and then I'd lose some more weight and plateau there, and so on. I was very slowly digressing and just felt STUCK.

I didn't want my anorexia to totally overtake me again to the point that treatment was the only option, but I also had zero desire to make improvements and make the changes that would result in things getting better. I was one foot in my eating disorder and one foot out. I WAS SO STUCK. I just couldn't move. I didn't want it to get better, and I didn't really want it to get worse either. I thought I'd live with one foot in and one foot out for the rest of forever. Eventually,  as everyone suspected, it all slipped out of control. The further I opened ED's door (by restricting more and exercising more and losing more weight) the more consumed by him I was. Soon enough I was 110% in the eating disorder boat and we were moving fast towards our only two options: treatment or death.

So, as my teacher asked, how does this power equation apply to areas of our life that we're stuck? Could it help? YES. Yes, it could have. I just had this awesome moment there in the class where it all made so much sense. What she had just taught rang SO true for me and hit SO close to home.

In the equation I am B and my eating disorder is A. Power of A (anorexia) over B (me) is equal to B's (my) dependence on A (anorexia). Anorexia's power over me was only as great as my dependence on anorexia. BOOM.

I was stuck because I was DEPENDING on my eating disorder. It was my muse and my vice. I needed it. It was my companion. I was so so so dependent on this ILLNESS to survive... even though it was killing me the whole time. Although this was cool for me to put all together, I think I understood even back then how to get out of my situation (stop depending so much on this addiction of mine) I just didn't have the strength or means to actually stop depending on it. It had to be ripped away from me in order for me to let it go.

I believe this power equation fits into almost every "stuck" situation we find ourselves in. When we feel powerless, we need to stop depending on the thing/person that has power over us.

it's always darkest before the dawn.

last week was spent in none other then greece. on indy's 22nd birthday we went on a private boat ride. i wrote in my journal "tongiht is one of those nights that i just can't believe i almost missed out on."

the last 5 years were spent wishing my life away. i remember the night before i went into treatment for my last (and hopefully final) time, i prayed harder then i've ever prayed in my life. i didn't pray for comfort during that lonely night - i prayed to pass away in my sleep that night. i begged and pleaded with god to take me from this earth before i entered the hospital and got healthy again. this wasn't the first (or last time) i prayed for my death. i had spent the previous months begging and pleading for the same thing, but i knew that night, i was closer to my wish of death than ever before. the doctors were shocked weeks earlier that i was still waking up each morning - when i saw those doctors they wanted me to get to treatment IMMEDIATELY. in fact, the doctor told me he felt really uncomfortable letting me leave his office that day in anything but an ambulance. but i wanted to finish the semester and be home on my birthday, and my mom wanted the same for me. so somehow, we convinced him i'd be fine. my sister was furious. she didn't talk to my mom for weeks. after the doctor told me i could pass out and fall into a coma any second, she was furious with my mom for not taking me into the ER then and there. it was drama and anxiety for everyone involved. my family and i both had anxiety over "will courtney make it or not?" they, of course, wanted me to make it, me on the other hand, hoped i would not.

and then fast forward 5 years later..... there i was, on a boat, in greece, cruising around the island of santorini, listening to good music and dancing with my best friends. i was content. my heart was HAPPY. even i'm shocked that i've found such happiness. i sat in silence and just thought to myself... "how did i almost miss out on this?!"

i can only picture myself up in heaven, watching my friends there without me, and knowing i should've been there. that thought alone is a dagger to the heart.

life gets better guys. i understand darkness all to well. i know exactly what it's like to be 100% hopeless and helpless. i truly never thought i'd get better - in fact i didn't want to get better. a life without anorexia didn't seem like a life worth living. i was married to my illness - DEVOTED to the very thing killing me, because it had hijacked my brain and taken over the person i was. i wasn't even courtney anymore, i was just a walking talking zombie. i didn't even look like myself - and not just because i was 1/2 the size i am now. you could look me in the eyes and i still wasn't recognizable. i was gone. the darkness consumed and overcame me.. fast forward to now. i'm thriving. i've bloomed, blossomed, and come to realize how beautiful life can truly be. don't ever give up guys. it's always darkest before the dawn - even when the darkness lasts 5+ years.

#fightthegoodfight

Barcelona, Spain - lil' pump tea spilled

spain was where we ended our trip. this is where we had interactions with our second famous rapper of the trip... none other then lil' pump. we knew he was going to be preforming at a club one of the nights, so we had plans to go to the club to see him. well, his manager tweets "Barcelona girls, message me and let's link up". so indy messages him and sure enough he responds with an address. after the show we taxi over there (to lil' pumps hotel). his manager meets us in the lobby and takes us up to the penthouse suit. there's about 12 or so other girls, and a few guys. lil' pump didn't give us the attention we deserved right away, because he was too focused on his big booty hoes. i thought i had a big butt... but those chicks put it to shame. however, lil' pump did love my henna tattoo. he gave THAT attention.

side story: we were at the beach one day and while indy, nicole, and i were off taking pictures....

tristen and jackson tracked down a henna tattoo guy, and decided that everyone got to pick a tattoo to put on my back. for some reason i agreed and this is what i ended up with...

we showed lil' pump and he loved it. he even took a picture of it on his phone. so yeah, lil' pump has a picture of me on his phone now.

anyways, like with playboi, our phones were taken from us in this instance too, but nicole was set on getting a picture of us in the penthouse. she was asking around and found a guy on pumps team that had his phone and was willing to take a picture of us for us, and then he dm'ed it to nicole on Instagram.

 we took the phone from him and took a selfie too.

once we were ready to leave some girl started accusing us of sneaking our phones in and stating she saw us taking selfies in a mirror (which never happened). they searched us and once they were sure there wasn't any phones on us they let us out, and gave us our phones. we walked down the hall and soon enough lil' pump comes stomping out of the suite in his robe and slippers and starts shouting "hey! you in the orange shirt, come here!" (it was me in the orange shirt) and i wasn't even afraid or nervous until i got over by him and he demanded to see my phone and i realized he was angry. he SEARCHED that phone. he started opening my texts and snap chats, he scoured through my deleted photos, he was determined to find pictures and videos that i apparently took in his suite, but i knew there was nothing there for him to find. he even took my phone with him back into his room and then come back out with his security gaurd. the security gaurd was a homie, asked if he found anything, and when he said no he was like "they're good then! you guys can go". as we walked away lil' pump shouted "LEAVE YOU LITTLE BITCH! AND DON'T COME BACK!"

and that's the story of how i lil' pump called me a little bitch. the end.

photo's from the rest of spain:

we had a layover in london and also spent a night there after spain. on our one night in london we ate dinner at mcdonalds and we to a club that had a ball pit, bally ballerson to be exact.

and that was the end of my 3 week europe trip, which was truly life changing. i could write forever about the blessings this vacation brought, but no one wants to read that, so i'll leave it at this.
XOXO

PARIS

we were in paris for 4 days, so lots of adventuring happened. here's some pictures of it all:

the highlight of paris was when france won the world cup. there were quite literally riots in the streets. i've never experienced something so crazy and overwhelming in my life. people were ripping lamp posts out of the ground, flipping cars over and jumping on them, running around with torches, etc. it was insane, and unreal. how freaking lucky are we? we just so happened to be in france while they played in the world cup.... and then they end up WINNING the world cup. it was a once in a lifetime experience!

another highlight of paris was bastille day (france's independence day). we celebrated by getting dressed up fancy, and watching fireworks underneath the eiffel tower (accompanied by a dinner of mcdonalds).

annnnd i'd go back to paris for the raspberry macaroon alone.

Geneva Switzerland

the morning after our perfect day in lauterbrunnen we caught an early train to geneva switzerland. that first day we went to montreux for the jazz festival - one of the biggest music festivals in the world (second largest jazz festival in the WORLD to be exact). we bought tickets to see tyler the creators set - which was soooo sick btw. opening for him was playboi carti and a few others.

we had the whole day before the set started for us to walk around and explore. we took a SUPER long walk to this pretty castle. everything was fenced off, but i hoped those fences anyways and set up my phone for some CRINGEY self timer photos. all is well tho.

 

 that concert was one of THE funnest i've ever been to. i think indy nicole and i were the only girls there. and i especially was sooo out of place with my curled hair and gingham jumpsuit. too funny.

the aftermath of me.... i lookin' a solid 10/10. we had been pressed up against the bars in front of the stage - we made it to the very front!!! it was an intense and sweaty experience, but so amazing! 

AMAZING STORY TIME: 

that night after the concert indy was approached by some random guy that had come from backstage. he told her his friend thought she was cute and she asked him to introduce them two. he introduced himself as Jay and they exchanged numbers, we made plans to hang out later that night. turns out, jay is PLAYBOI CARTI'S 'BROTHER'. looong story short, we went over to jay's hotel, hung out with him and damon (who works with carti). 

okay. now the story GET'S GOOD. damon leaves for the airport and jay disappears for about 20 minutes. suddenly he comes back in with someone else, this guy is covering his face with his shirt, he looks at us, makes eye contact with us all, and then turns around and leaves. we were all in shock, was that really palyboi carti? sure looked like him, but it was too good to be true. 

jay disappears (again) and we're about to just bail, when suddenly jay comes back and says "k, we're going to go back into this other hotel room. but one rule first...." and he holds out his hand. "you want our phones?" i ask. this was it. we were about to meet playboi. i just knew it. we - being foolish and over trusting - hand over our phones. i didn't think anything of it in the moment because i was running on adrenaline. we walk over to the hotel room next door and sure enough, there he is, with his shirt covering the mark on his face. we played cool or "dumb" if you will and didn't fan girl. we acted like we didn't even know who he is. we hung out all night, and eventually all of us fell asleep on his bed. jay and playboi woke us up the next morning when they had to head out for the airport. we went back to our hotel and slept most the day. like we literally didn't wake up again til 4 or 5 in the afternoon. WORTH IT.

we were starving when we woke up, so we decided to explore and walk around til we found some food. we ate giant burgers, found a fair, rode the ferris wheel, and sat by a lake just basking in the moonlight. it was such a calm night, but it was also such a perfect night.

Interlaken Switzerland.

THIS MF PLACE.

just freaking LOOK at those hills/mountains/the green. gah. pictures don't do it justice.  

like milan, we only had one day here in interlaken, but i am SET on going back. 

gang gang gang

before

after. 

i still laugh just has hard as i did in the moment when i think about this happening.

our day was just go go go. we stayed in a hostel while we were there (just for one night) and we have no regrets with that decision. our train arrived, we taxi'd to drop our stuff off at the hotel, we walked to the bus and took it grindelwald to explore the swiss alps, and then we took another bus to lauterbrunnen where we explored some more and grabbed some dinner.

i'll be back for you interlaken.