it's always darkest before the dawn.

last week was spent in none other then greece. on indy's 22nd birthday we went on a private boat ride. i wrote in my journal "tongiht is one of those nights that i just can't believe i almost missed out on."

the last 5 years were spent wishing my life away. i remember the night before i went into treatment for my last (and hopefully final) time, i prayed harder then i've ever prayed in my life. i didn't pray for comfort during that lonely night - i prayed to pass away in my sleep that night. i begged and pleaded with god to take me from this earth before i entered the hospital and got healthy again. this wasn't the first (or last time) i prayed for my death. i had spent the previous months begging and pleading for the same thing, but i knew that night, i was closer to my wish of death than ever before. the doctors were shocked weeks earlier that i was still waking up each morning - when i saw those doctors they wanted me to get to treatment IMMEDIATELY. in fact, the doctor told me he felt really uncomfortable letting me leave his office that day in anything but an ambulance. but i wanted to finish the semester and be home on my birthday, and my mom wanted the same for me. so somehow, we convinced him i'd be fine. my sister was furious. she didn't talk to my mom for weeks. after the doctor told me i could pass out and fall into a coma any second, she was furious with my mom for not taking me into the ER then and there. it was drama and anxiety for everyone involved. my family and i both had anxiety over "will courtney make it or not?" they, of course, wanted me to make it, me on the other hand, hoped i would not.

and then fast forward 5 years later..... there i was, on a boat, in greece, cruising around the island of santorini, listening to good music and dancing with my best friends. i was content. my heart was HAPPY. even i'm shocked that i've found such happiness. i sat in silence and just thought to myself... "how did i almost miss out on this?!"

i can only picture myself up in heaven, watching my friends there without me, and knowing i should've been there. that thought alone is a dagger to the heart.

life gets better guys. i understand darkness all to well. i know exactly what it's like to be 100% hopeless and helpless. i truly never thought i'd get better - in fact i didn't want to get better. a life without anorexia didn't seem like a life worth living. i was married to my illness - DEVOTED to the very thing killing me, because it had hijacked my brain and taken over the person i was. i wasn't even courtney anymore, i was just a walking talking zombie. i didn't even look like myself - and not just because i was 1/2 the size i am now. you could look me in the eyes and i still wasn't recognizable. i was gone. the darkness consumed and overcame me.. fast forward to now. i'm thriving. i've bloomed, blossomed, and come to realize how beautiful life can truly be. don't ever give up guys. it's always darkest before the dawn - even when the darkness lasts 5+ years.

#fightthegoodfight

Barcelona, Spain - lil' pump tea spilled

spain was where we ended our trip. this is where we had interactions with our second famous rapper of the trip... none other then lil' pump. we knew he was going to be preforming at a club one of the nights, so we had plans to go to the club to see him. well, his manager tweets "Barcelona girls, message me and let's link up". so indy messages him and sure enough he responds with an address. after the show we taxi over there (to lil' pumps hotel). his manager meets us in the lobby and takes us up to the penthouse suit. there's about 12 or so other girls, and a few guys. lil' pump didn't give us the attention we deserved right away, because he was too focused on his big booty hoes. i thought i had a big butt... but those chicks put it to shame. however, lil' pump did love my henna tattoo. he gave THAT attention.

side story: we were at the beach one day and while indy, nicole, and i were off taking pictures....

tristen and jackson tracked down a henna tattoo guy, and decided that everyone got to pick a tattoo to put on my back. for some reason i agreed and this is what i ended up with...

we showed lil' pump and he loved it. he even took a picture of it on his phone. so yeah, lil' pump has a picture of me on his phone now.

anyways, like with playboi, our phones were taken from us in this instance too, but nicole was set on getting a picture of us in the penthouse. she was asking around and found a guy on pumps team that had his phone and was willing to take a picture of us for us, and then he dm'ed it to nicole on Instagram.

 we took the phone from him and took a selfie too.

once we were ready to leave some girl started accusing us of sneaking our phones in and stating she saw us taking selfies in a mirror (which never happened). they searched us and once they were sure there wasn't any phones on us they let us out, and gave us our phones. we walked down the hall and soon enough lil' pump comes stomping out of the suite in his robe and slippers and starts shouting "hey! you in the orange shirt, come here!" (it was me in the orange shirt) and i wasn't even afraid or nervous until i got over by him and he demanded to see my phone and i realized he was angry. he SEARCHED that phone. he started opening my texts and snap chats, he scoured through my deleted photos, he was determined to find pictures and videos that i apparently took in his suite, but i knew there was nothing there for him to find. he even took my phone with him back into his room and then come back out with his security gaurd. the security gaurd was a homie, asked if he found anything, and when he said no he was like "they're good then! you guys can go". as we walked away lil' pump shouted "LEAVE YOU LITTLE BITCH! AND DON'T COME BACK!"

and that's the story of how i lil' pump called me a little bitch. the end.

photo's from the rest of spain:

we had a layover in london and also spent a night there after spain. on our one night in london we ate dinner at mcdonalds and we to a club that had a ball pit, bally ballerson to be exact.

and that was the end of my 3 week europe trip, which was truly life changing. i could write forever about the blessings this vacation brought, but no one wants to read that, so i'll leave it at this.
XOXO