Thursday, January 18, 2018

holiday happenings

my holidays were good!! having not been in school for fall semester, i didn't really get a "break". i was still expected to be in treatment each day (except for christmas eve, christmas, and new years day). besides that, there was no days off and no breaks taken. recovery quite literally is a full time job (and a tiring one). it was a bummer not being able to sleep in and relax. it didn't feel like much of christmas 'break' at all. however, it was still nice to spend extra time with family and friends as they enjoyed their breaks. 
here are some of the fun stuff that happened, as well as random pictures taken:
bachelorette parties

a random mirror selfie to show off my pink glasses.

 temple square / city creek dates with good good friends

holiday parties and days spent with ms. hannah - who i just adore.

the nutcracker with my fam (and our adopted child / sister gill) she's apart of the family at this point, even though she had to move back home to New York. I'm dying with out her and I can't wait for our next reunion! 

snuggles with my kitty girl

steamers for breakfast post wrist surgery 

sleepovers and christmas parades with my faves (maycie not pictured)

family parties with my cute cute granny bird (she also came down and stayed at our place on christmas eve and christmas day. 3 days with her was so so grand.)

dirty dancing, of course. #can'tstopwon'tstop

wathcing one of my BESTEST friends getting engaged.

 kate's annual christmas party.

aaannnnd a whole bunch of crocheting. i'll have you know, gill and i both finished our blankets. it's the best hobby.

Monday, December 18, 2017


a few weeks ago kate, indy, and i all took a short road trip to California so we could visit the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH. 

 this was my first time in YEARS being at Disneyland while it's all set up for christmas. truly so lovely. 

 the lights at night were absolutely magical 

as was everything else..... disneyland (especially during the holidays) just has the greatest atmosphere!

kate looked at this and says "you look like someone i would avoid" hahaha. 

also, i found a twin.

and on our drive home, we found a very pretty sunset. 

it was the perfect little get away! i'm already planning my next trip back.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

life isn't empty

"life isn't empty without your eating disorder"

this is something that was said in group the other day that really struck me. so often i'm hesitant to surrender because i wonder "what does life look like without my illness?! what will make me unique? how will i stand out and be special, yet be invisible and wither away so no one can see me at the same time?" too often i feel like my life will be so empty and meaningless once i'm fully living in recovery. i feel like this sickness is my identity. i feel like it's what makes me ME. if i lose it... who am i then? it's scary, because it feels like i'll be losing everything i know and am. 
if i take a step back and if i think about what my life looks like in my illness, it looks like this: full time school. full time work. 2-4 hours a day at the gym... and that's it! when i'm in the depths of my disorder, i have no time for anyone or anything - i'm spread so thin i can hardly breathe. being so busy makes it easier to be so sick, because i don't have time to realize just how miserable i am. in reality, my life will be anything but empty once i surrender. i'll have ENERGY to be who i really am, play with my nieces, hold babies, and stay up late. i'll have TIME to hang out with old friends, make new friends, serve others, read books, go on dates, and just relax (which has always been a challenge for me). i need to remind myself daily that MY. LIFE. WILL. NOT. BE. EMPTY.

this is a trick of E.D's. he knows that if he convinces me that i'm lost and nothing without him, that i'll never let him go, and that he'll have me in his grasps forever - which is his ultimate goal.
if i can somehow learn to give this up, i might just gain so much more then i'm losing.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

good ole' days

came across a few photo's that made my heart melt: 

^these first 3 especially get me! so tender <3 ^

the innocence. the freedom. the happiness. the confident yet shy "me-ness". i miss it all a whole lot.