Sunday, April 15, 2018

swimsuits

last march i was on the beach in california looking like this




this march i was on the beach in california looking like this



putting these pictures side by side is a little painful. and to say i miss looking like this in a swim suit is an understatement:



i miss that body every day, and it makes me so sad to accept that it's gone. but i'm working every day to CHOOSE not to be sad. life overall is better now. i laugh with friends, i'm making memories with loved ones, and dating is fun. if i want to graduate college, move out, get married, have babies, and keep developing new relationships, i've got to be healthy. and that's why i'm working my booty off every day. 
   

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

disney and california

i can't ever stay away from california for long. this time i went on my typical roadtrip with my sweet friend caite. i gave her 12 hours notice and she was down to come. everyone needs a friend like that.



we also spent a day on huntington beach, and while there some cute surfers invited us out on their yacht. my mother probably had a heart attack, but hey, i'm still alive! 




a trip for the books! 

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

an email to nie nie

Hi sweet Stephanie,
It's been a minute since we've talked! Today I've been stuck inside ALL day doing homework (and some napping). I've been in desperate need for fresh air, so I came outside with my laptop and I'm now sitting on my front steps wrapped in a blanket emailing you! (my cute cat Mable is snuggled up besides me too). I just got done catching up on your blog. Life has been crazy busy! I'm still in treatment each day from 10-6 (except for Tuesdays when I usually babysit, but the kids were sick today, so I had a much needed 'free day'). I also teach dance during evenings and am in 15 credits of school (mostly online). WHEW. It's been a crazy semester! 
I'm coming up on a year (may 4th) since I last entered inpatient care. It's hard to believe I will reach a year of being IN treatment without a break. It's a little discouraging, but also very humbling. Most girls stay in treatment for 1-3 months, maybe 6 months. Although it's hard not to compare, I realize how lucky I am! There's lots of people who'd benefit from more time, they just don't have the ability or the insurance coverage to stay for more then a few months. 
This last year has been a whirlwind. I stepped out of 24 hour care in October, so these last 6 months of being somewhat on my own have also been a whirlwind by themselves. I won't lie, it's hard! I struggle with my motivation still. Somedays I just really don't want recovery, but other days I feel inspired, hopeful, and excited about a future.
After reading your blog I'm feeling excited. I want a family to road trip with someday. Also, this fresh air and listening to chirping birds is bringing my a peaceful calm feeling that everything will be okay. Thanks for your inspiration! I still look up to you and love and adore you more then you'll ever know <3 thanks for being a friend! 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

heartbroken pt. 2

(continued....)

everyday is hard, because everyday is full of memories and everyday is nostalgic. every month holds some sort of "landmark" of some eating disorder memory.

february was HARD this year. it was filled with memories of last year's february. at this time last year i was headed straight downhill. i can see the pictures and images that i physically and mentally took. my brain is filled with images of my body and life style exactly a year ago.
last february i went to disneyland with a friend, her fiance, and we met up with my friends brother who i went on a "blind date" with. i brought a whole bag of apples, low fat protein bars, and idealLean protein powder, because that's all i was living off of at the time. i ate ONE meal out with them that whole trip. that's not normal! my friend (who i had only met once for the record) often commented on my my body and how "skinny" i was. she seemed genuinely concerned. last month,  i was so nostalgic of that time.

mid month i went tanning. my mind flashed back to the last time i was in that tanning bed... it was exactly a year prior before my disneyland trip. i took a picture a year ago of my reflection in there. my hip bones, ribs, and sternum were all protruding. i saw my sternum in a way i had never seen it before. it didn't look like a normal bony sternum, it was way more graphic. it almost looked like my bones had bones. it was terrifying, yet, i was proud. i felt pride.
this time, i looked at the difference in my body in that same mirror that's in the tanning bed. i was sad. to be honest, i wasn't entirely upset by how my body looked (for once), but the difference was just heartbreaking. i look so different. not only is my body so different, my lifestyle is so different. i began to spend a lot of time reflecting.
last february i would wake up each day, go to work, spend my 15 minute break on the treadmill walking at its highest incline no matter what i was wearing. dress and heels? i was still on that treadmill! then, i'd come home and go to school. after school, i'd head straight to the gym for 3 hours of working out. each day i'd eat a veggie egg white scramble for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and a protein bar or ideal lean protein powder for dinner. this february, i'm in treatment all day everyday. i'm eating real food, and trying to stay away from the gym. my life is SO different and it's bittersweet (more so on the bitter end). it's sad to reflect! it's hard, and it hurts!

i knew going into march that more memories would be brought up. in march i went back to disneyland, this time with kait, chlo, and kels. i knew our day at laguna beach would specifically be remembered. i posted a picture in a bikini and had so many people messaging me and raising concern. i got comments and messages from people i don't even know telling me i was disgusting and too skinny. were about a year away from that date. it'll be a hard "anniversary" as part of me just wishes to be back there, and the other part of me is appalled at how unwell i truly was.

april will remind me of my 20th birthday. i blew a candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. my birthday dinner was carrots and a couple grapes while my family enjoyed pizza. then i left my family celebrating so i could go spend my next 2 hours at the gym.

may will remind me of being hooked up to a heart monitor and a feeding tube.

my life is TAINTED by my illness. every month and every day holds painful reflections and memories. fall is tainted by the year my depression developed and the next year when i had my first relapse. i've spent every season (at least once) in treatment. it's hard to relive each season in a new place, and a new 'state'.

as stated before, i am SUCH a sentimental and nostalgic person. bidding farewell to this disease is so hard. i think that is why i've stayed one foot in and one foot out for so long. i'm holding onto the last thing i have of my eating disorder. i'm too sad to let the last bit go.

it's like when a person dies, you don't want to clean out their closet or get rid of their bedroom and belongings. THAT is exactly how i feel about anorexia. i don't want to completely recover because i don't want to to lose the last parts of "me" and my illness. i want to hold on to whatever i can. however, i don't have room in my arms for my illness AND for recovery. i have to pick one. i just hate watching any chapter of my life come to an end. i hate closing doors. i hate change. this is completely soul crushing and heart breaking, because anorexia is no exception.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

heartbroken pt. 1

i am such a sentimental and nostalgic person. watching any chapter or piece of my life come to a end is so heartbreaking for me. i don't handle change and endings well. i have the toughest time closing a door and walking away from it. new beginnings just don't come easy to me..
THIS is why it's so dang hard for me to recover. i can't seem to let the eating disorder go.

losing my eating disorder is something i have to grieve and mourn. it's truly the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching experience for me. heartbroken really is just the perfect word that comes to mind.

the eating disorder really is like a toxic, abusive relationship that i need to rid of... but i'm SO attached to. "e.d." is an abusive boyfriend - it hurts to stay with him, but it also hurts to stray from him. i'm stuck. i'm broken and beaten with "him" (this illness), but i'm also broken and beaten when i try to walk away from "him", because it makes him angry. it makes him mad, so he hits me harder. plus, being away is unknown and scary. i've been with this "boyfriend" for years. i'm comfortable with him. i'm use to him! i'm "safe" with him (in the most unsafe way possible). leaving him is truly soul crushing, and terrifying. because i don't know what he'll do to me as i run away, and i don't know what life is without him.

how does this relate? i've been devoted to anorexia for years. i don't connection with a life outside of being sick anymore. it's been too many years. i truly have been married to my eating disorder. i've loved and hated my eating disorder so fiercely. when i'm consumed by my illness, i'm being abused. i'm destroying myself. but when i try to divorce it and marry recovery... all i hear is that mean demeaning voice. i hear my illness so loudly, telling me awful things about myself. i'm tortured. it seems that the only way to find peace and happiness is to go back, lose weight again, and stop eating.

similarly, we can take the "abusive" aspect out. the eating disorder / recovery is still like breaking up. this time, it's breaking up with a long term boyfriend who you are madly in love with and who you thought you were going to marry. moving on from this illness and it in the dust is like walking away from the love of your life who you saw your whole future with. it's like leaving someone you've invested your whole life in. sometimes, i don't even see my eating disorder as abusive. sometimes, i see 'him' (or it) as a kind, loving, perfect soul mate who i have to walk away from. and guess what? it sucks. it hurts. it's something i have to grieve, and grief is just painful, messy, and icky. grieving a loss hurts so deeply.

(to be continued... not to be dramatic, just because this is getting long)

Friday, February 16, 2018

just standing

well, i face planted, and i stood back up. i wish i could say i was running, leaping, chasing, and jumping after recovery (or at least walking towards it) but for now, i'm just standing. i'm no longer helpless on the ground, but i'm not really moving forward either. instead, i'm just standing here watching life pass by. i'm back to my beginning place (before my face plant) of just hanging in there by a thread. this sounds really depressing, but it's not that bad. i'm staying in my comfort zone, yet i'm getting some of the benefits of recovery. i find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?" what if i don't progress forward? what if i never get to a place where i can follow my meal plan 100%? what if i never get to a place where i don't want to lose weight? what if this is just simply as good as it gets? part of my is okay with that, because recovery is scary. so, for now, i'm just standing here, figuring out what i want, and settling with one foot in and one foot out.


Thursday, February 1, 2018

face plant pt. 2

the other night after i got home from the gym i went on a walk with my mom. i opened up and told her everything. i don't think she realized how bad i'm struggling. her first reaction was LECTURE, but i made it clear that that was the last thing i needed. in that moment, i needed to be honest, and i just needed her to listen. she respected that boundary and i was able to SPILL my head out to her.

after our walk we went to baskin robins and got ice cream for night snack. this was the first time i've had my night snack in awhile. it was almost symbolic of a turning point. it was like a significant "i'm going to do something new, different, and i'm going to quit my shit". it was hard, and ooooh boy there was a lot of guilt and even "regret" if you will that followed afterwards, but i pushed through with motivation in the potential of this working, and of me actually being happy down the road.


i got home and asked my dad to give me a blessing. he asked what was up, and i gave him the run down. i let him know that i've taken a major eating disorder nose dive, how my team wants me back in 24/7 care, how i refuse to go, yet how i DO finally want to get better, and how i'm going to need a blessing of strength to pull myself out of this relapse. because heavens..... i need major strength to get through and make it out alive.

i cried through the whole blessing. it was beautiful! i wish i remember more of what was specifically said, but i'll never forget exactly how i felt. i i know God was the one who gave me the blessing. God gave me a blessing of strength, resilience, and comfort. how cool is that? i'm so grateful for the priesthood!

honestly, this SUCJS. i've said it a bunch, but i'm drowning. i'm so beyond struggling. i'm right back in the depths and wraths of ED. - which is terrifying! it's so scary how quickly it can happen! BUT, this is my turning point. i can't carry on in this misery any longer, so i'm making changes starting NOW. not next week, nor next month (like i always say), but now.