after each treatment stay, i've felt like people have expected me to leave healed. too often people see me outside of 24/7 care and assume i'm fixed. they think i'm totally over and done with my illness. they think i'm cured. you might see me take a picture of my breakfast and assume i'm "rocking recovery", but in reality, things are still HARD - really hard. it truly has not gotten any easier! i've just gotten stronger. even though i've made some tremendous progress, i still need tremendous and a half more. i STILL debate over wether i should eat a jolly rancher or not. i STILL feel guilty for eating a highchew after dinner. even the extra 25 calories in bubblegum can get me all sorts of anxious, nervous, and a mental mess. with that being said, 2 weeks ago i went out and ordered sushi with friends. just the other night i had an icecream date with some friends. i'm making strides! 6 months ago, i was living off speramint gum and diet coke with the occasional apple or protein bar. i've come a loooooong way! i eat full meals + snacks, but i also have a lot of iffy meals and days of not enough snacks. eating my food (even eating enough of it) doesn't mean i don't feel guilty and terribly awful for doing so.
sticking to the meal plan 100% hasn't happened yet. the meals and snacks outside of the center are extremely difficult, but i'm working hard! even though i haven't been 100%, i'm still accomplishing hard things outside of rehab - like enjoying a holiday reeses. seeing me eat with you doesn't mean i'm doing well. but also, seeing me not eat with you doesn't mean i'm relapsing. it's hard to gage where someones at without getting the blunt truth from THEM. eating my favorite treat (which has happened) doens't mean i'm rocking recovery, and sticking to really safe things or restricting (which also happens) doesn't mean i'm not putting in good effort and making strides.
i might be at a healthy weight, and actually eating, but that doesn't mean i'm okay. even if i was following my meal plan 100%, it wouldn't mean i was healed and / or fixed. treatment doesn't do that for anyone. and real recovery doesn't really start until the day you walk out of those treatment doors and back into real life. treatment is just a band-aid, it's not the antibiotic.
my eating disorder is really agressive, really mean, really vicious, and so nasty. i don't get a break from these awful thoughts that he fills my mind with. however, i know the only way to get rid of them, is to stick to my guidelines and to EAT. THE. DAMN. FOOD. so that's what i'm working on and trying really hard to do, even though it sucks. because i know being free is the ultimate goal.
i don't really have an "outlet" besides my mom. shes the place (outside of my therapist and journal) that i can go to to spill my thoughts, which is great! but i kind of want to be more open here on this blog. people often ask how i am, and i'm not even sure to respond. i don't know if they want the real answer, or if they expect me to say "i'm good!" and for us to continue on with our days. but i want to be open, candid, and blunt here.
i've removed the link from my instagram bio (although it's still open to anyone to read) and i think i'm going to be a little more transparent and real here. maybe one day it'll come down to making this private altogether, where i can know exactly who is reading my stuff, but as for now, i'm going to try to let all my walls down and be open and vulnerable for EVERYONE.