Thursday, November 16, 2017

the treatment band-aid.

recovery isn't easy, and you're truly never really ready to leave treatment. it never comes to a day when you're "good to go". you just have to leave anyways.... and put recovery to the test - even though you're bound to REALLY struggle. treatment is a safe bubble. it is the furthest thing from easy, but it also doesn't give you much room to slip up. and where's the growth without major slips and falls?
after each treatment stay, i've felt like people have expected me to leave healed. too often people see me outside of 24/7 care and assume i'm fixed. they think i'm totally over and done with my illness. they think i'm cured. you might see me take a picture of my breakfast and assume i'm "rocking recovery", but in reality, things are still HARD - really hard. it truly has not gotten any easier! i've just gotten stronger. even though i've made some tremendous progress, i still need tremendous and a half more. i STILL debate over wether i should eat a jolly rancher or not. i STILL feel guilty for eating a highchew after dinner. even the extra 25 calories in bubblegum can get me all sorts of anxious, nervous, and a mental mess. with that being said, 2 weeks ago i went out and ordered sushi with friends. just the other night i had an icecream date with some friends. i'm making strides! 6 months ago, i was living off speramint gum and diet coke with the occasional apple or protein bar. i've come a loooooong way! i eat full meals + snacks, but i also have a lot of iffy meals and days of not enough snacks. eating my food (even eating enough of it) doesn't mean i don't feel guilty and terribly awful for doing so.
sticking to the meal plan 100% hasn't happened yet. the meals and snacks outside of the center are extremely difficult, but i'm working hard! even though i haven't been 100%, i'm still accomplishing hard things outside of rehab - like enjoying a holiday reeses. seeing me eat with you doesn't mean i'm doing well. but also, seeing me not eat with you doesn't mean i'm relapsing. it's hard to gage where someones at without getting the blunt truth from THEM. eating my favorite treat (which has happened) doens't mean i'm rocking recovery, and sticking to really safe things or restricting (which also happens) doesn't mean i'm not putting in good effort and making strides.

i might be at a healthy weight, and actually eating, but that doesn't mean i'm okay. even if i was following my meal plan 100%, it wouldn't mean i was healed and / or fixed. treatment doesn't do that for anyone. and real recovery doesn't really start until the day you walk out of those treatment doors and back into real life. treatment is just a band-aid, it's not the antibiotic.
my eating disorder is really agressive, really mean, really vicious, and so nasty. i don't get a break from these awful thoughts that he fills my mind with. however, i know the only way to get rid of them, is to stick to my guidelines and to EAT. THE. DAMN. FOOD. so that's what i'm working on and trying really hard to do, even though it sucks. because i know being free is the ultimate goal.


i don't really have an "outlet" besides my mom. shes the place (outside of my therapist and journal) that i can go to to spill my thoughts, which is great! but i kind of want to be more open here on this blog. people often ask how i am, and i'm not even sure to respond. i don't know if they want the real answer, or if they expect me to say "i'm good!" and for us to continue on with our days. but i want to be open, candid, and blunt here.
i've removed the link from my instagram bio (although it's still open to anyone to read) and i think i'm going to be a little more transparent and real here. maybe one day it'll come down to making this private altogether, where i can know exactly who is reading my stuff, but as for now, i'm going to try to let all my walls down and be open and vulnerable for EVERYONE.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017


to give you a more in depth update......
as you read from the last post, i ended up back in treatment on may 4th. i was in inpatient care for 4 weeks, and then transitioned to RTC (residential). they're both full hospitalization and 24/hour care, inaptient is just a short term "boost" to get you more medically stablized. RTC patients have less medical risks and don't need quite such intensive watch and precaution; there are a little less heart monitors, feeding tubes, wheel chairs, labs, vitals, blood work, EKG's, etc over on RTC. i spent 4 more months over on RTC. on october 4th, i was finally able to step down / transition to PHP (partial hospitilization program). on PHP we still come to the center / treatment each day, and we're here until after dinner. once 6p.m. comes, we're good to go home and get back to "real life". sleeping in my own home and cuddling my kitty each night has been awesome. as for now, i'm still on the PHP unit. unfortunately - yet luckily at the same time - they are planning on keeping me on this unit for another hot minute. treatment is TIRING. but i'm trying to be patient with myself.  these things take time.

there are so many difficult parts about recovering from an eating disorder, two of them being that it is a literal brain disorder and an addiction. it's crazy how you can hate something so fiercely - because it made you so miserable - yet long for it so fiercely at the same time. it's hard not to miss the disorder and being in the depths of it, even though it was slowly killing me.

right now my biggest struggle is body image. weight restoration (and the aftermath of it) is so incredibly challenging. this new body is uncommfortable and hard to live in. this is also the longest i've spent in treatment. last weekend i hit my 6 month mark. rarely do people get the opportunity to stay this long. they're hoping the longer they can keep me in treatment and at this healthy weight, the more accepting i'll become of my new body. with that, they're hoping that once i start meeting with my team just on an out patient basis that my urges to lose weight won't be as high.

this is the longest i've ever maintained a healthy weight. before, i've always gone home and lost at least some right away. this time - with the longer then typical stay and a lot of hard work - we're hoping things will be different. as much as i want things to be different, i'm scared to commit. i am holding back and holding on to the illness. but i am working on fully surrendering and fully sacrificing this eating disorder. it's a work in progress - but i haven't given up just yet. 

Friday, November 3, 2017

from may 4th til' now.

on may 3rd i went to work (spending my break in the gym of course)

ran some errands, than snapped some photos in my new birthday shirt from the bff - Chlo:

then I went to the gym for a few hours. one hour which consisted of high fitness of course:
(high fitness is my FAVORITE) and i can't wait until i can get back to it. 

i spent one last day in all of my "anorexic disorder glory"  which is why i think i took so many pictures. i wanted to remember my last day. i wanted to remember my body. i wanted to remember all of my hard work and all the suffering it took to get to the place i was at. as twisted as it is, this body and illness is something i need to greive and mourn. 

The night ended with a preisthood blessing, hugs from friends, then cuddling my mama before she had to catch her flight to New York.

24 hours later i was sitting in a hospital that specialized in eating disorders. this wasn't my first time, nor my second. i hope it can be the last. two years ago after my last treatment stay, i wrote this post, which i recently revised and cleaned up a little bit. 

as much as i hope this treatment stay can be my last, i fear it won't be... because most days this trial seems to impossible to overcome. it is tiring. really really tiring. i'll write more about the last 6 months soon. for now, here's that update!

here i am, and i'm still fighting. i'm getting stronger every day. and consistenly trying to win my life back.


Sunday, October 29, 2017

Bff gets married.

on August 3rd one of my bestest bestest friends got married. i got to be there and be a bridesmaid. Kels made a BEAUTIFUL bride. 

the first of the fab 4 to get married!! 

 the cutest of all the pics. lol. 

her reception was beautiful! strung lights and so much pretty greenery. 
 like, look at those table runners and that flower arch!! 

i have the prettiest best friends.

the night before the big day was the wedding dinner; a few nights before that was her bachelorette party.

such an awesome week celebrating Kelsie + Brandon! 

Sister / bestie gets married.

on October 7th my sweet sister heather got married. it was such a perfect and happy day. 

she looked stunning
and so did the reception 

sisters sister sisters. they're the prettiest.

 and our sweet babes absolutely loved their pink twirly dresses.

bridesmaid af. so obsessed with this dress and thankful for an excuse to justify spending money on it.

  street taco's + filled churros

+ sodalicious

such a perfect day to celebrate such a perfect couple.