Saturday, March 17, 2018

heartbroken pt. 2


everyday is hard, because everyday is full of memories and everyday is nostalgic. every month holds some sort of "landmark" of some eating disorder memory.

february was HARD this year. it was filled with memories of last year's february. at this time last year i was headed straight downhill. i can see the pictures and images that i physically and mentally took. my brain is filled with images of my body and life style exactly a year ago.
last february i went to disneyland with a friend, her fiance, and we met up with my friends brother who i went on a "blind date" with. i brought a whole bag of apples, low fat protein bars, and idealLean protein powder, because that's all i was living off of at the time. i ate ONE meal out with them that whole trip. that's not normal! my friend (who i had only met once for the record) often commented on my my body and how "skinny" i was. she seemed genuinely concerned. last month,  i was so nostalgic of that time.

mid month i went tanning. my mind flashed back to the last time i was in that tanning bed... it was exactly a year prior before my disneyland trip. i took a picture a year ago of my reflection in there. my hip bones, ribs, and sternum were all protruding. i saw my sternum in a way i had never seen it before. it didn't look like a normal bony sternum, it was way more graphic. it almost looked like my bones had bones. it was terrifying, yet, i was proud. i felt pride.
this time, i looked at the difference in my body in that same mirror that's in the tanning bed. i was sad. to be honest, i wasn't entirely upset by how my body looked (for once), but the difference was just heartbreaking. i look so different. not only is my body so different, my lifestyle is so different. i began to spend a lot of time reflecting.
last february i would wake up each day, go to work, spend my 15 minute break on the treadmill walking at its highest incline no matter what i was wearing. dress and heels? i was still on that treadmill! then, i'd come home and go to school. after school, i'd head straight to the gym for 3 hours of working out. each day i'd eat a veggie egg white scramble for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and a protein bar or ideal lean protein powder for dinner. this february, i'm in treatment all day everyday. i'm eating real food, and trying to stay away from the gym. my life is SO different and it's bittersweet (more so on the bitter end). it's sad to reflect! it's hard, and it hurts!

i knew going into march that more memories would be brought up. in march i went back to disneyland, this time with kait, chlo, and kels. i knew our day at laguna beach would specifically be remembered. i posted a picture in a bikini and had so many people messaging me and raising concern. i got comments and messages from people i don't even know telling me i was disgusting and too skinny. were about a year away from that date. it'll be a hard "anniversary" as part of me just wishes to be back there, and the other part of me is appalled at how unwell i truly was.

april will remind me of my 20th birthday. i blew a candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. my birthday dinner was carrots and a couple grapes while my family enjoyed pizza. then i left my family celebrating so i could go spend my next 2 hours at the gym.

may will remind me of being hooked up to a heart monitor and a feeding tube.

my life is TAINTED by my illness. every month and every day holds painful reflections and memories. fall is tainted by the year my depression developed and the next year when i had my first relapse. i've spent every season (at least once) in treatment. it's hard to relive each season in a new place, and a new 'state'.

as stated before, i am SUCH a sentimental and nostalgic person. bidding farewell to this disease is so hard. i think that is why i've stayed one foot in and one foot out for so long. i'm holding onto the last thing i have of my eating disorder. i'm too sad to let the last bit go.

it's like when a person dies, you don't want to clean out their closet or get rid of their bedroom and belongings. THAT is exactly how i feel about anorexia. i don't want to completely recover because i don't want to to lose the last parts of "me" and my illness. i want to hold on to whatever i can. however, i don't have room in my arms for my illness AND for recovery. i have to pick one. i just hate watching any chapter of my life come to an end. i hate closing doors. i hate change. this is completely soul crushing and heart breaking, because anorexia is no exception.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

heartbroken pt. 1

i am such a sentimental and nostalgic person. watching any chapter or piece of my life come to a end is so heartbreaking for me. i don't handle change and endings well. i have the toughest time closing a door and walking away from it. new beginnings just don't come easy to me..
THIS is why it's so dang hard for me to recover. i can't seem to let the eating disorder go.

losing my eating disorder is something i have to grieve and mourn. it's truly the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching experience for me. heartbroken really is just the perfect word that comes to mind.

the eating disorder really is like a toxic, abusive relationship that i need to rid of... but i'm SO attached to. "e.d." is an abusive boyfriend - it hurts to stay with him, but it also hurts to stray from him. i'm stuck. i'm broken and beaten with "him" (this illness), but i'm also broken and beaten when i try to walk away from "him", because it makes him angry. it makes him mad, so he hits me harder. plus, being away is unknown and scary. i've been with this "boyfriend" for years. i'm comfortable with him. i'm use to him! i'm "safe" with him (in the most unsafe way possible). leaving him is truly soul crushing, and terrifying. because i don't know what he'll do to me as i run away, and i don't know what life is without him.

how does this relate? i've been devoted to anorexia for years. i don't connection with a life outside of being sick anymore. it's been too many years. i truly have been married to my eating disorder. i've loved and hated my eating disorder so fiercely. when i'm consumed by my illness, i'm being abused. i'm destroying myself. but when i try to divorce it and marry recovery... all i hear is that mean demeaning voice. i hear my illness so loudly, telling me awful things about myself. i'm tortured. it seems that the only way to find peace and happiness is to go back, lose weight again, and stop eating.

similarly, we can take the "abusive" aspect out. the eating disorder / recovery is still like breaking up. this time, it's breaking up with a long term boyfriend who you are madly in love with and who you thought you were going to marry. moving on from this illness and it in the dust is like walking away from the love of your life who you saw your whole future with. it's like leaving someone you've invested your whole life in. sometimes, i don't even see my eating disorder as abusive. sometimes, i see 'him' (or it) as a kind, loving, perfect soul mate who i have to walk away from. and guess what? it sucks. it hurts. it's something i have to grieve, and grief is just painful, messy, and icky. grieving a loss hurts so deeply.

(to be continued... not to be dramatic, just because this is getting long)

Friday, February 16, 2018

just standing

well, i face planted, and i stood back up. i wish i could say i was running, leaping, chasing, and jumping after recovery (or at least walking towards it) but for now, i'm just standing. i'm no longer helpless on the ground, but i'm not really moving forward either. instead, i'm just standing here watching life pass by. i'm back to my beginning place (before my face plant) of just hanging in there by a thread. this sounds really depressing, but it's not that bad. i'm staying in my comfort zone, yet i'm getting some of the benefits of recovery. i find myself asking "what if this is as good as it gets?" what if i don't progress forward? what if i never get to a place where i can follow my meal plan 100%? what if i never get to a place where i don't want to lose weight? what if this is just simply as good as it gets? part of my is okay with that, because recovery is scary. so, for now, i'm just standing here, figuring out what i want, and settling with one foot in and one foot out.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

face plant pt. 2

the other night after i got home from the gym i went on a walk with my mom. i opened up and told her everything. i don't think she realized how bad i'm struggling. her first reaction was LECTURE, but i made it clear that that was the last thing i needed. in that moment, i needed to be honest, and i just needed her to listen. she respected that boundary and i was able to SPILL my head out to her.

after our walk we went to baskin robins and got ice cream for night snack. this was the first time i've had my night snack in awhile. it was almost symbolic of a turning point. it was like a significant "i'm going to do something new, different, and i'm going to quit my shit". it was hard, and ooooh boy there was a lot of guilt and even "regret" if you will that followed afterwards, but i pushed through with motivation in the potential of this working, and of me actually being happy down the road.

i got home and asked my dad to give me a blessing. he asked what was up, and i gave him the run down. i let him know that i've taken a major eating disorder nose dive, how my team wants me back in 24/7 care, how i refuse to go, yet how i DO finally want to get better, and how i'm going to need a blessing of strength to pull myself out of this relapse. because heavens..... i need major strength to get through and make it out alive.

i cried through the whole blessing. it was beautiful! i wish i remember more of what was specifically said, but i'll never forget exactly how i felt. i i know God was the one who gave me the blessing. God gave me a blessing of strength, resilience, and comfort. how cool is that? i'm so grateful for the priesthood!

honestly, this SUCJS. i've said it a bunch, but i'm drowning. i'm so beyond struggling. i'm right back in the depths and wraths of ED. - which is terrifying! it's so scary how quickly it can happen! BUT, this is my turning point. i can't carry on in this misery any longer, so i'm making changes starting NOW. not next week, nor next month (like i always say), but now.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

face plant

i feel so out of control right now. i feel desperate for PEACE, but peace is so far out of reach. i'm currently being SO controlled by my eating disorder. my treatment team (therapist, dietician, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, etc.) wants me to go back to RTC (24/7 care), because i've really taken a nose dive. right now, i feel like i need to accept the call back to 24/7 care to save me and pull me out of this funk. i need help. i need structure. i need support. i’m drowning on my own right now. BUT, i just can't go back. i have too much on the line. i started classes again this semester, and it's too late to withdraw from classes without it showing up on your transcript, plus i've already put HARD work into each class. i don't want it to go to waste! and i have work. i'm at doterra every monday night, i have a few different babysitting gigs set up, and i have 4 dance classes i help teach. i have too much going on and i'm not willing to sacrifice any of it for more treatment. i know my health and well being should be top priority, but to me it just isn't. i refuse to throw the rest of my busy life away at the moment. so, without 24/7 care, i've got to do this myself. but HOW?! i'm in so deep. i'm so consumed! part of me says "i need structure and support!" but then i remind myself that i have both. i'm still IN treatment EVERY single day - and then i'm defeated.... because how can someone relapse so badly before even leaving treatment? i still need more help then i'm getting..... i hate that it's come to this.

i'm in treatment and somehow i've managed a relapse. i use to be one foot in and one foot out, and now i'm completely both feet in, all devotion to my eating disorder. sure, i'm in treatment each day; while i'm there i go through to motions and push through, but it's PAINFUL. as soon as i'm home i'm completed devoted to anorexia. i'm giving in. i'm letting my illness take control. i don't stop letting my illness take control until i have to show my face in rehab the next day. i'm like a heroine addict or a alcoholic showing up to rehab strung out / drunk. i'm "using" before coming to the place that's trying to get me to stop. then i leave, go home, and use some more. i'm weak. or am i strong? my recovery game is what's weak and failing, however when it comes to anorexia, i'm strong and i'm winning. i'm controlled and disciplined. my eating disorder pride flares up... excpet it doesn't last long, because then i go to treatment, eat, and the voice tells me i'm a fat lazy failure.

when i'm at home i'm not eating, and i have this compulsive need, drive, and desire to work out HARD at the gym each day. i go to the point i'm dripping sweat down my neck and face and back. it feels good. but it also feels sad. somedays i don't feel like going to the gym. i don't feel like ruining my hair and make up. i don't feel like waking up at 5:30. i also just don't feel like running after teaching 3 hours of dance. but guess what? i have to. in my head, there is no option. it's addictive. it's compulsive. it's rigid and obsessive. heck - i'm changing into my gym clothes WHILE I'M DRIVING because heaven forbid it take me an extra 5 minutes to start my workout. i'm lying to people. i'm pretending to have plans or be doing homework so i can spend more time at the gym. i'm missing out on life! i'm missing out on sleep! i'm missing out on quality time with people i love because the gym and my eating disorder has once again become the top priority in my life.

i'm in the exact same place i was at the beginning of 2017. the only difference is my weight. i'm not deathly underweight right now, but i'm doing allll the same things i was then. if/when i eat it's an apple and a protein bar, and i'm scheduling my whole life around the gym. i'm leaving treatment early to get to the gym. it's all so out of hand.

and guess what? I. AM. MISERABLE. i'm missing full meals everyday - and restricting really just is not happy! because i'm missing and skipping so much, when i do eat i'm extra stressed and i feel extra guilty. the obsessiveness is growing and it is RIPPING me apart. my eating disorder is ripping me up! i can miss breakfast and lunch and eat yogurt for a snack and it'll RIP me a new one. i'll be losing my shit over a 150 calorie yogurt... the eating disorder is NOT soft spoken. it doesn't let us down easy. yet, i give in.... and i surrender to the illness and i let it take over.

i have completely face planted. in fact, i've literally passed out twice recently. and my EKG has gone downhill. my body is starting to sacrifice so much of my functioning in order to protect my set point (my healthy weight). my body doesn't want to lose weight! it is fighting it HARD - it just doesn't want to go there again. my body is SO. DONE. being underweight. it's trying everything it can to keep me at a healthy weight - even giving up so many of it's proper functions.

the other night as i drove home from the gym, i felt like a failure. i felt desperate for some sort of comfort SOMEWHERE. i felt like a failure because after a hard workout, i still was not satisfied. i didn't feel like i worked out hard and long enough. i was wishing i would've went harder and faster. my eating disorder was just driving me MAD. i've been seeking comfort in anorexia, and it's not bringing me ANY peace. i'm so far from happiness. being sick and in the wraths of E.D. is not fun. my depression is continually going up, and i'm down to my last bit of hope and faith.

if i feel unhappy weight restored, and if i feel unhappy in the constant pursuit of losing weight, then what? what next? when and where and HOW will i get a break? i'm so overwhelmed thinking about it all. how can i accept my weight restored body? the idea of NOT losing weight is just terrifying. the idea of surrendering, taking the leap, and giving up control scares me. it has me shaking. i feel so lost. all i know right now, is i am not happy. something needs to change. i've got to get it together. what i'm doing now is leaving me empty & desperate for something better in life. the problem is, recovery doesn't seem "better", it seems worse, but there's no gray area. it's either one or the other. i'm either sick and devoted to ED or i'm not. i guess what i need to do is take steps into the darkness and take a risk.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

christmas and new years

here's a (very late) post full of unedited pictures. lol.

christmas eve i was able to go to CHURCH with my family. due to still being in treatment even on the weekends, i NEVER get to do this. the last time i was in church with my family was in april! it felt good to get dressed up and go back to church. however, i'll admit, sitting through church is hard for me. it's going to be an adjustment getting use to it when the day comes! 

the marrieds (except for Tyler, his wife Chels, and their babies) came over for presents on christmas morning. as always, presents were followed by a big breakfast prepared by my mama.

my sweet granny bird also joins us each year on christmas. and she keeps us laughing the whooole day long.

after breakfast, cleaning up, and showers, we headed up to tyler and chelsea's place so we could see our babies! as if they didn't already have enough, we brought them tons of more gifts. and of course, me being me, i brought my crocheting ;) which for the record, was finished by new years. it's a MASSIVE blanket, but i love it! by the time christmas rolled around it was getting real hard to transport places.

after coming back home, steak for dinner, and a long car ride around utah, we watched the grinch. it might just be my favorite chritmas movie! it's always a toss up between that and elf.

and while we watched, grandma slept :)

after watching the grinch, i stayed out too late at Kate's and we kept ourselves pretty entertained.
solid christmas! 

new years weekend was spent at lots of different parties... i've always been a fan of mosh pits believe it or not. lol.

let's go 2018!

Thursday, January 18, 2018

holiday happenings

my holidays were good!! having not been in school for fall semester, i didn't really get a "break". i was still expected to be in treatment each day (except for christmas eve, christmas, and new years day). besides that, there was no days off and no breaks taken. recovery quite literally is a full time job (and a tiring one). it was a bummer not being able to sleep in and relax. it didn't feel like much of christmas 'break' at all. however, it was still nice to spend extra time with family and friends as they enjoyed their breaks. 
here are some of the fun stuff that happened, as well as random pictures taken:
bachelorette parties

a random mirror selfie to show off my pink glasses.

 temple square / city creek dates with good good friends

holiday parties and days spent with ms. hannah - who i just adore.

the nutcracker with my fam (and our adopted child / sister gill) she's apart of the family at this point, even though she had to move back home to New York. I'm dying with out her and I can't wait for our next reunion! 

snuggles with my kitty girl

steamers for breakfast post wrist surgery 

sleepovers and christmas parades with my faves (maycie not pictured)

family parties with my cute cute granny bird (she also came down and stayed at our place on christmas eve and christmas day. 3 days with her was so so grand.)

dirty dancing, of course. #can'tstopwon'tstop

wathcing one of my BESTEST friends getting engaged.

 kate's annual christmas party.

aaannnnd a whole bunch of crocheting. i'll have you know, gill and i both finished our blankets. it's the best hobby.