Thursday, May 24, 2018

21 years old

back in april i had my 21st birthday. i started the day out at breakfast with 2 of my best friends. i then got to relax at home a bit, and i also went and got my passport! my passport was my birthday gift from my parents, so i figured it was about time i actually went and applied for it.



later in the afternoon i met up with friends and we headed to the LANY concert. it was a simple day, but SO so great. i felt so loved all week long!

also, i'm in love ^^^ best night ever.

 

saturday morning was my birthday party. i had my cute friend jess (who is a HIGH fitness instructor) come do a high fitness class for me and my friends. i know i'm loved, because who wants to go work out for a birthday party? especially on a saturday morning? holla to all my friends who were able to make appearances.

that night my sweet sweet friend malone threw me a birthday party. we got a hotel room in provo and just had a girls night! it was a whole week of celebrating - which is everything i could ever ask for and more.


year 20 was hard. it started with me and an absolute rock bottom, and the remainder of the year was me trying to get out of that rock bottom - not an easy process. here's to year 21 and all the joy and blessings that are about to be experienced.


Friday, May 4, 2018

may 4th


ONE WHOLE YEAR. i have been in treatment for a whole entire year. I can’t believe it. exactly one year ago I surrendered and got the help i so desperately needed (for the third time). I’m laying in bed as I write this and look back on where i was may 3rd of last year. I spent one last day of zero calories consumed, and I spent one last night of hours at the gym. i lay here and look at pictures and realize i was walking death. and then that night i prayed and prayed that my heart would stop in my sleep. i didn’t want to go back to treatment. i didn’t want to be hospitalized again. i’d been there and done that twice, i didn’t think i had it within me to do it a third time. i didn’t want to see the food that was about to be put in front of me, i didn’t want to gain the weight, i didn’t want to feeding tube that i knew would come when i refused to eat. i didn’t want any of it. i wanted to die from my illness. so every night i’d pray for it to take my life, but this night i prayed extra hard, because it was my last chance. it was the “night before life goes on”. it was one of the most painful nights yet.

the next morning was excruciating too. i was so disappointed when my eyes opened the next morning. it took all my energy to lift my frail little body out of my bed. i took a few last pictures of the body that was about to be destroyed and ripped away from me. i’ve yet to experience heart ache like that. and then i got ready, and dressed in an outfit that was sure to show off my prized possession- the skeleton i was. it took blood sweat and tears to get myself to that weight, i wanted to showcase my hard work while i still had proof of it. and then before i knew it my dad was lifting my suitcase that weighed as much as me into my car, and we were off. soon enough the two of us were crying as he said goodbye and left me in the hospital that was specialized in eating disorders. they were going to help me, but they were going to destroy me while they did it.


although this wasn’t my first or even my second time i found myself in this situation, it was probably the most painful time. probably because i was more so in my eating disorder then ever before. it was truly a bigger part of me then it had ever been before. my heart still aches to go back. my heart still misses it. but i’m happier now. and life is truly working out in my favor. everything seems to be falling into place - despite a body and a weight i’m so unhappy and uncomfortable with. 

to “celebrate” my one year of consistent treatment - no breaks - we stepped me down to iop this week. after a whole year i’m officially an out patient and no longer considered even partially hospitalized. WOW. what a year it’s been. iop means i still go to treatment 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. it’ll be good to separate myself a little bit and to take this next step forward. to be honest, i’m burnt out. who wouldn’t be after a whole year? 

i don’t know what this next year will hold. will i fall in the trap of anorexia again? will i re-commit each day to recovery and finally get it figured out? it’s unknown. everything in life is unknown. but i have faith that this last year will prove to be the most beneficial - and best - year FOR my life. not of my life, but for my life. it sucked. it was hard. it has me DRAINED. but i believe this last year is the beginning of every blessing that is to come.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

swimsuits

last march i was on the beach in california looking like this




this march i was on the beach in california looking like this



putting these pictures side by side is a little painful. and to say i miss looking like this in a swim suit is an understatement:



i miss that body every day, and it makes me so sad to accept that it's gone. but i'm working every day to CHOOSE not to be sad. life overall is better now. i laugh with friends, i'm making memories with loved ones, and dating is fun. if i want to graduate college, move out, get married, have babies, and keep developing new relationships, i've got to be healthy. and that's why i'm working my booty off every day. 
   

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

disney and california

i can't ever stay away from california for long. this time i went on my typical roadtrip with my sweet friend caite. i gave her 12 hours notice and she was down to come. everyone needs a friend like that.



we also spent a day on huntington beach, and while there some cute surfers invited us out on their yacht. my mother probably had a heart attack, but hey, i'm still alive! 




a trip for the books! 

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

an email to nie nie

Hi sweet Stephanie,
It's been a minute since we've talked! Today I've been stuck inside ALL day doing homework (and some napping). I've been in desperate need for fresh air, so I came outside with my laptop and I'm now sitting on my front steps wrapped in a blanket emailing you! (my cute cat Mable is snuggled up besides me too). I just got done catching up on your blog. Life has been crazy busy! I'm still in treatment each day from 10-6 (except for Tuesdays when I usually babysit, but the kids were sick today, so I had a much needed 'free day'). I also teach dance during evenings and am in 15 credits of school (mostly online). WHEW. It's been a crazy semester! 
I'm coming up on a year (may 4th) since I last entered inpatient care. It's hard to believe I will reach a year of being IN treatment without a break. It's a little discouraging, but also very humbling. Most girls stay in treatment for 1-3 months, maybe 6 months. Although it's hard not to compare, I realize how lucky I am! There's lots of people who'd benefit from more time, they just don't have the ability or the insurance coverage to stay for more then a few months. 
This last year has been a whirlwind. I stepped out of 24 hour care in October, so these last 6 months of being somewhat on my own have also been a whirlwind by themselves. I won't lie, it's hard! I struggle with my motivation still. Somedays I just really don't want recovery, but other days I feel inspired, hopeful, and excited about a future.
After reading your blog I'm feeling excited. I want a family to road trip with someday. Also, this fresh air and listening to chirping birds is bringing my a peaceful calm feeling that everything will be okay. Thanks for your inspiration! I still look up to you and love and adore you more then you'll ever know <3 thanks for being a friend! 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

heartbroken pt. 2

(continued....)

everyday is hard, because everyday is full of memories and everyday is nostalgic. every month holds some sort of "landmark" of some eating disorder memory.

february was HARD this year. it was filled with memories of last year's february. at this time last year i was headed straight downhill. i can see the pictures and images that i physically and mentally took. my brain is filled with images of my body and life style exactly a year ago.
last february i went to disneyland with a friend, her fiance, and we met up with my friends brother who i went on a "blind date" with. i brought a whole bag of apples, low fat protein bars, and idealLean protein powder, because that's all i was living off of at the time. i ate ONE meal out with them that whole trip. that's not normal! my friend (who i had only met once for the record) often commented on my my body and how "skinny" i was. she seemed genuinely concerned. last month,  i was so nostalgic of that time.

mid month i went tanning. my mind flashed back to the last time i was in that tanning bed... it was exactly a year prior before my disneyland trip. i took a picture a year ago of my reflection in there. my hip bones, ribs, and sternum were all protruding. i saw my sternum in a way i had never seen it before. it didn't look like a normal bony sternum, it was way more graphic. it almost looked like my bones had bones. it was terrifying, yet, i was proud. i felt pride.
this time, i looked at the difference in my body in that same mirror that's in the tanning bed. i was sad. to be honest, i wasn't entirely upset by how my body looked (for once), but the difference was just heartbreaking. i look so different. not only is my body so different, my lifestyle is so different. i began to spend a lot of time reflecting.
last february i would wake up each day, go to work, spend my 15 minute break on the treadmill walking at its highest incline no matter what i was wearing. dress and heels? i was still on that treadmill! then, i'd come home and go to school. after school, i'd head straight to the gym for 3 hours of working out. each day i'd eat a veggie egg white scramble for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and a protein bar or ideal lean protein powder for dinner. this february, i'm in treatment all day everyday. i'm eating real food, and trying to stay away from the gym. my life is SO different and it's bittersweet (more so on the bitter end). it's sad to reflect! it's hard, and it hurts!

i knew going into march that more memories would be brought up. in march i went back to disneyland, this time with kait, chlo, and kels. i knew our day at laguna beach would specifically be remembered. i posted a picture in a bikini and had so many people messaging me and raising concern. i got comments and messages from people i don't even know telling me i was disgusting and too skinny. were about a year away from that date. it'll be a hard "anniversary" as part of me just wishes to be back there, and the other part of me is appalled at how unwell i truly was.

april will remind me of my 20th birthday. i blew a candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. my birthday dinner was carrots and a couple grapes while my family enjoyed pizza. then i left my family celebrating so i could go spend my next 2 hours at the gym.

may will remind me of being hooked up to a heart monitor and a feeding tube.

my life is TAINTED by my illness. every month and every day holds painful reflections and memories. fall is tainted by the year my depression developed and the next year when i had my first relapse. i've spent every season (at least once) in treatment. it's hard to relive each season in a new place, and a new 'state'.

as stated before, i am SUCH a sentimental and nostalgic person. bidding farewell to this disease is so hard. i think that is why i've stayed one foot in and one foot out for so long. i'm holding onto the last thing i have of my eating disorder. i'm too sad to let the last bit go.

it's like when a person dies, you don't want to clean out their closet or get rid of their bedroom and belongings. THAT is exactly how i feel about anorexia. i don't want to completely recover because i don't want to to lose the last parts of "me" and my illness. i want to hold on to whatever i can. however, i don't have room in my arms for my illness AND for recovery. i have to pick one. i just hate watching any chapter of my life come to an end. i hate closing doors. i hate change. this is completely soul crushing and heart breaking, because anorexia is no exception.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

heartbroken pt. 1

i am such a sentimental and nostalgic person. watching any chapter or piece of my life come to a end is so heartbreaking for me. i don't handle change and endings well. i have the toughest time closing a door and walking away from it. new beginnings just don't come easy to me..
THIS is why it's so dang hard for me to recover. i can't seem to let the eating disorder go.

losing my eating disorder is something i have to grieve and mourn. it's truly the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching experience for me. heartbroken really is just the perfect word that comes to mind.

the eating disorder really is like a toxic, abusive relationship that i need to rid of... but i'm SO attached to. "e.d." is an abusive boyfriend - it hurts to stay with him, but it also hurts to stray from him. i'm stuck. i'm broken and beaten with "him" (this illness), but i'm also broken and beaten when i try to walk away from "him", because it makes him angry. it makes him mad, so he hits me harder. plus, being away is unknown and scary. i've been with this "boyfriend" for years. i'm comfortable with him. i'm use to him! i'm "safe" with him (in the most unsafe way possible). leaving him is truly soul crushing, and terrifying. because i don't know what he'll do to me as i run away, and i don't know what life is without him.

how does this relate? i've been devoted to anorexia for years. i don't connection with a life outside of being sick anymore. it's been too many years. i truly have been married to my eating disorder. i've loved and hated my eating disorder so fiercely. when i'm consumed by my illness, i'm being abused. i'm destroying myself. but when i try to divorce it and marry recovery... all i hear is that mean demeaning voice. i hear my illness so loudly, telling me awful things about myself. i'm tortured. it seems that the only way to find peace and happiness is to go back, lose weight again, and stop eating.

similarly, we can take the "abusive" aspect out. the eating disorder / recovery is still like breaking up. this time, it's breaking up with a long term boyfriend who you are madly in love with and who you thought you were going to marry. moving on from this illness and it in the dust is like walking away from the love of your life who you saw your whole future with. it's like leaving someone you've invested your whole life in. sometimes, i don't even see my eating disorder as abusive. sometimes, i see 'him' (or it) as a kind, loving, perfect soul mate who i have to walk away from. and guess what? it sucks. it hurts. it's something i have to grieve, and grief is just painful, messy, and icky. grieving a loss hurts so deeply.

(to be continued... not to be dramatic, just because this is getting long)