Monday, December 18, 2017


a few weeks ago kate, indy, and i all took a short road trip to California so we could visit the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH. 

 this was my first time in YEARS being at Disneyland while it's all set up for christmas. truly so lovely. 

 the lights at night were absolutely magical 

as was everything else..... disneyland (especially during the holidays) just has the greatest atmosphere!

kate looked at this and says "you look like someone i would avoid" hahaha. 

also, i found a twin.

and on our drive home, we found a very pretty sunset. 

it was the perfect little get away! i'm already planning my next trip back.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

life isn't empty

"life isn't empty without your eating disorder"

this is something that was said in group the other day that really struck me. so often i'm hesitant to surrender because i wonder "what does life look like without my illness?! what will make me unique? how will i stand out and be special, yet be invisible and wither away so no one can see me at the same time?" too often i feel like my life will be so empty and meaningless once i'm fully living in recovery. i feel like this sickness is my identity. i feel like it's what makes me ME. if i lose it... who am i then? it's scary, because it feels like i'll be losing everything i know and am. 
if i take a step back and if i think about what my life looks like in my illness, it looks like this: full time school. full time work. 2-4 hours a day at the gym... and that's it! when i'm in the depths of my disorder, i have no time for anyone or anything - i'm spread so thin i can hardly breathe. being so busy makes it easier to be so sick, because i don't have time to realize just how miserable i am. in reality, my life will be anything but empty once i surrender. i'll have ENERGY to be who i really am, play with my nieces, hold babies, and stay up late. i'll have TIME to hang out with old friends, make new friends, serve others, read books, go on dates, and just relax (which has always been a challenge for me). i need to remind myself daily that MY. LIFE. WILL. NOT. BE. EMPTY.

this is a trick of E.D's. he knows that if he convinces me that i'm lost and nothing without him, that i'll never let him go, and that he'll have me in his grasps forever - which is his ultimate goal.
if i can somehow learn to give this up, i might just gain so much more then i'm losing.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

good ole' days

came across a few photo's that made my heart melt: 

^these first 3 especially get me! so tender <3 ^

the innocence. the freedom. the happiness. the confident yet shy "me-ness". i miss it all a whole lot.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Thanksgiving 2017

this year my mama hosted thanksgiving at our place. it was nice and low key - which is my favorite way to have it. my cute friend Gill came over. she's been joining us for family dinners recently, because she's practically one of our own at this point. she's from new york and didn't travel home for the holiday since she's going home permentantly next month (which i'm not talking about... because i'll cry) so we had her over so she could have come company. it was the perfect addition to my thanksgiving holiday!
gill is my soul sister, and a true blessing in my life. i couldn't adore her more. 

 nothing is better then my moms turkey brine and her homemade feather rolls. recently i was asked what my favorite restaurant is, and it was an easy answer - my moms kitchen. i've never been a big fan of going out to eat honestly, probably because my moms cooking tops all else.

my redneck brothers showed up late to thanksgiving dinner with a dead coyote in tow. hahaha, life would be too boring without them.

 and am i the only one who loves shredding all the meat off the bird?! it's incredibly satisfying.

overall, the reason i love this holiday so much is because of FAMILY. i do not know what i did to deserve the people i have in my life. in fact, i don't think i did anything to deserve them, i think i was just blessed with them- regardless of anything i did or didn't do - because i'm lucky. not everyone has a safe place to call home, or parents who filled their parent duties. i've never had to doubt that i was loved, cared for, important, and special in their eyes. i couldn't be more thankful for that!
happy spanksgiivvvinnnggg 

Thursday, November 30, 2017

kate's 21st

my sweet, sweet friend (kate) turned 21 on Novemeber 5th. shes not just any friend, but one of my BEST friends.
How cute is she?!

to celebrate, a few friends  went out to dinner:

and then we were off to the Grand America for a night:

i had never been, and it was STUNNING. 

it was especially stunning at night looking off the balcony with all the lights lit up. 

we basically played and hung out in these giant robes all night - because why not?! in the morning (after hardly any sleep) we ordered room service to celebrate kate's OFFICIAL birthday.

 i love kate for so many reasons. one big one, is because she is incredibly loyal. if i'm sad, she'll never brush it off with knowing that it'll 'get better'. she is always the first to call and offer to pick me up, or come sit with me. 

 not only is she there for me 24/7, but i can trust her. she is emotionally capable of having real, deep, serious, and vulnerable conversations. along with deep heart to hearts, some of my BEST memories are with her. she's so fun, hilarious, and such a good time to be around!

and she's never ever judge-mental towards me and my flaws. 

forever grateful for friends like kate <3 <3


ALSO, the week before kate's birthday our cute friend indy threw her a surprise party.

 i had the honor of making her a cake. i was v proud of how it turned out

we had to protect this thing like a child on the way over.

i could spend everyday celebrating this sweet soul. LOVE YOU LONG TIME MS. KATE ELIZABETH VALADEZ.