the last 5 years were spent wishing my life away. i remember the night before i went into treatment for my last (and hopefully final) time, i prayed harder then i've ever prayed in my life. i didn't pray for comfort during that lonely night - i prayed to pass away in my sleep that night. i begged and pleaded with god to take me from this earth before i entered the hospital and got healthy again. this wasn't the first (or last time) i prayed for my death. i had spent the previous months begging and pleading for the same thing, but i knew that night, i was closer to my wish of death than ever before. the doctors were shocked weeks earlier that i was still waking up each morning - when i saw those doctors they wanted me to get to treatment IMMEDIATELY. in fact, the doctor told me he felt really uncomfortable letting me leave his office that day in anything but an ambulance. but i wanted to finish the semester and be home on my birthday, and my mom wanted the same for me. so somehow, we convinced him i'd be fine. my sister was furious. she didn't talk to my mom for weeks. after the doctor told me i could pass out and fall into a coma any second, she was furious with my mom for not taking me into the ER then and there. it was drama and anxiety for everyone involved. my family and i both had anxiety over "will courtney make it or not?" they, of course, wanted me to make it, me on the other hand, hoped i would not.
and then fast forward 5 years later..... there i was, on a boat, in greece, cruising around the island of santorini, listening to good music and dancing with my best friends. i was content. my heart was HAPPY. even i'm shocked that i've found such happiness. i sat in silence and just thought to myself... "how did i almost miss out on this?!"
i can only picture myself up in heaven, watching my friends there without me, and knowing i should've been there. that thought alone is a dagger to the heart.
life gets better guys. i understand darkness all to well. i know exactly what it's like to be 100% hopeless and helpless. i truly never thought i'd get better - in fact i didn't want to get better. a life without anorexia didn't seem like a life worth living. i was married to my illness - DEVOTED to the very thing killing me, because it had hijacked my brain and taken over the person i was. i wasn't even courtney anymore, i was just a walking talking zombie. i didn't even look like myself - and not just because i was 1/2 the size i am now. you could look me in the eyes and i still wasn't recognizable. i was gone. the darkness consumed and overcame me.. fast forward to now. i'm thriving. i've bloomed, blossomed, and come to realize how beautiful life can truly be. don't ever give up guys. it's always darkest before the dawn - even when the darkness lasts 5+ years.
#fightthegoodfight
