heartbroken pt. 2

(continued....)

everyday is hard, because everyday is full of memories and everyday is nostalgic. every month holds some sort of "landmark" of some eating disorder memory.

february was HARD this year. it was filled with memories of last year's february. at this time last year i was headed straight downhill. i can see the pictures and images that i physically and mentally took. my brain is filled with images of my body and life style exactly a year ago.
last february i went to disneyland with a friend, her fiance, and we met up with my friends brother who i went on a "blind date" with. i brought a whole bag of apples, low fat protein bars, and idealLean protein powder, because that's all i was living off of at the time. i ate ONE meal out with them that whole trip. that's not normal! my friend (who i had only met once for the record) often commented on my my body and how "skinny" i was. she seemed genuinely concerned. last month,  i was so nostalgic of that time.

mid month i went tanning. my mind flashed back to the last time i was in that tanning bed... it was exactly a year prior before my disneyland trip. i took a picture a year ago of my reflection in there. my hip bones, ribs, and sternum were all protruding. i saw my sternum in a way i had never seen it before. it didn't look like a normal bony sternum, it was way more graphic. it almost looked like my bones had bones. it was terrifying, yet, i was proud. i felt pride.
this time, i looked at the difference in my body in that same mirror that's in the tanning bed. i was sad. to be honest, i wasn't entirely upset by how my body looked (for once), but the difference was just heartbreaking. i look so different. not only is my body so different, my lifestyle is so different. i began to spend a lot of time reflecting.
last february i would wake up each day, go to work, spend my 15 minute break on the treadmill walking at its highest incline no matter what i was wearing. dress and heels? i was still on that treadmill! then, i'd come home and go to school. after school, i'd head straight to the gym for 3 hours of working out. each day i'd eat a veggie egg white scramble for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and a protein bar or ideal lean protein powder for dinner. this february, i'm in treatment all day everyday. i'm eating real food, and trying to stay away from the gym. my life is SO different and it's bittersweet (more so on the bitter end). it's sad to reflect! it's hard, and it hurts!

i knew going into march that more memories would be brought up. in march i went back to disneyland, this time with kait, chlo, and kels. i knew our day at laguna beach would specifically be remembered. i posted a picture in a bikini and had so many people messaging me and raising concern. i got comments and messages from people i don't even know telling me i was disgusting and too skinny. were about a year away from that date. it'll be a hard "anniversary" as part of me just wishes to be back there, and the other part of me is appalled at how unwell i truly was.

april will remind me of my 20th birthday. i blew a candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. my birthday dinner was carrots and a couple grapes while my family enjoyed pizza. then i left my family celebrating so i could go spend my next 2 hours at the gym.

may will remind me of being hooked up to a heart monitor and a feeding tube.

my life is TAINTED by my illness. every month and every day holds painful reflections and memories. fall is tainted by the year my depression developed and the next year when i had my first relapse. i've spent every season (at least once) in treatment. it's hard to relive each season in a new place, and a new 'state'.

as stated before, i am SUCH a sentimental and nostalgic person. bidding farewell to this disease is so hard. i think that is why i've stayed one foot in and one foot out for so long. i'm holding onto the last thing i have of my eating disorder. i'm too sad to let the last bit go.

it's like when a person dies, you don't want to clean out their closet or get rid of their bedroom and belongings. THAT is exactly how i feel about anorexia. i don't want to completely recover because i don't want to to lose the last parts of "me" and my illness. i want to hold on to whatever i can. however, i don't have room in my arms for my illness AND for recovery. i have to pick one. i just hate watching any chapter of my life come to an end. i hate closing doors. i hate change. this is completely soul crushing and heart breaking, because anorexia is no exception.

heartbroken pt. 1

i am such a sentimental and nostalgic person. watching any chapter or piece of my life come to a end is so heartbreaking for me. i don't handle change and endings well. i have the toughest time closing a door and walking away from it. new beginnings just don't come easy to me..
THIS is why it's so dang hard for me to recover. i can't seem to let the eating disorder go.

losing my eating disorder is something i have to grieve and mourn. it's truly the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching experience for me. heartbroken really is just the perfect word that comes to mind.

the eating disorder really is like a toxic, abusive relationship that i need to rid of... but i'm SO attached to. "e.d." is an abusive boyfriend - it hurts to stay with him, but it also hurts to stray from him. i'm stuck. i'm broken and beaten with "him" (this illness), but i'm also broken and beaten when i try to walk away from "him", because it makes him angry. it makes him mad, so he hits me harder. plus, being away is unknown and scary. i've been with this "boyfriend" for years. i'm comfortable with him. i'm use to him! i'm "safe" with him (in the most unsafe way possible). leaving him is truly soul crushing, and terrifying. because i don't know what he'll do to me as i run away, and i don't know what life is without him.

how does this relate? i've been devoted to anorexia for years. i don't connection with a life outside of being sick anymore. it's been too many years. i truly have been married to my eating disorder. i've loved and hated my eating disorder so fiercely. when i'm consumed by my illness, i'm being abused. i'm destroying myself. but when i try to divorce it and marry recovery... all i hear is that mean demeaning voice. i hear my illness so loudly, telling me awful things about myself. i'm tortured. it seems that the only way to find peace and happiness is to go back, lose weight again, and stop eating.

similarly, we can take the "abusive" aspect out. the eating disorder / recovery is still like breaking up. this time, it's breaking up with a long term boyfriend who you are madly in love with and who you thought you were going to marry. moving on from this illness and it in the dust is like walking away from the love of your life who you saw your whole future with. it's like leaving someone you've invested your whole life in. sometimes, i don't even see my eating disorder as abusive. sometimes, i see 'him' (or it) as a kind, loving, perfect soul mate who i have to walk away from. and guess what? it sucks. it hurts. it's something i have to grieve, and grief is just painful, messy, and icky. grieving a loss hurts so deeply.

(to be continued... not to be dramatic, just because this is getting long)