Saturday, March 10, 2018

heartbroken pt. 1

i am such a sentimental and nostalgic person. watching any chapter or piece of my life come to a end is so heartbreaking for me. i don't handle change and endings well. i have the toughest time closing a door and walking away from it. new beginnings just don't come easy to me..
THIS is why it's so dang hard for me to recover. i can't seem to let the eating disorder go.

losing my eating disorder is something i have to grieve and mourn. it's truly the most heartbreaking and heart wrenching experience for me. heartbroken really is just the perfect word that comes to mind.

the eating disorder really is like a toxic, abusive relationship that i need to rid of... but i'm SO attached to. "e.d." is an abusive boyfriend - it hurts to stay with him, but it also hurts to stray from him. i'm stuck. i'm broken and beaten with "him" (this illness), but i'm also broken and beaten when i try to walk away from "him", because it makes him angry. it makes him mad, so he hits me harder. plus, being away is unknown and scary. i've been with this "boyfriend" for years. i'm comfortable with him. i'm use to him! i'm "safe" with him (in the most unsafe way possible). leaving him is truly soul crushing, and terrifying. because i don't know what he'll do to me as i run away, and i don't know what life is without him.

how does this relate? i've been devoted to anorexia for years. i don't connection with a life outside of being sick anymore. it's been too many years. i truly have been married to my eating disorder. i've loved and hated my eating disorder so fiercely. when i'm consumed by my illness, i'm being abused. i'm destroying myself. but when i try to divorce it and marry recovery... all i hear is that mean demeaning voice. i hear my illness so loudly, telling me awful things about myself. i'm tortured. it seems that the only way to find peace and happiness is to go back, lose weight again, and stop eating.

similarly, we can take the "abusive" aspect out. the eating disorder / recovery is still like breaking up. this time, it's breaking up with a long term boyfriend who you are madly in love with and who you thought you were going to marry. moving on from this illness and it in the dust is like walking away from the love of your life who you saw your whole future with. it's like leaving someone you've invested your whole life in. sometimes, i don't even see my eating disorder as abusive. sometimes, i see 'him' (or it) as a kind, loving, perfect soul mate who i have to walk away from. and guess what? it sucks. it hurts. it's something i have to grieve, and grief is just painful, messy, and icky. grieving a loss hurts so deeply.

(to be continued... not to be dramatic, just because this is getting long)

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