On Tuesday night in my "Negotiation and Mediation" class we learned the power formula, which is
PAB = BDA
which means: "power of A over B is equal to B's dependence on A". Read that slowly 5 times or until you get it. We were then asked "so if B wants to reduce A's power over him, what does he need to do?" simple. Reduce his dependence on A. It makes so much sense! If someone or something has power over you, take that power back by not depending on them/it!During the lecture, she kept asking us to think about something/some place in our life where we feel stuck. Honestly, this whole time I really couldn't think of anything. Life is going well overall and everything in my life is moving in a positive direction. After teaching us about the power equation she asked once more for us to think about that "stuckness", and she asked how this equation relates... how could it help?
Instead of thinking of my current life this time, I thought back to a few years ago. "Stuck" was the theme of my life for quite a while, and although I can't think of a scenario in my current life where I'm stuck, I can think of a BIG scenario in the past where I was very very stuck, and that was in my eating disorder. My first two relapses were fast and hard, my third was slow. I was just.... stuck. I stayed stuck for about a year and a half. I'd lose a little weight and decrease my calories a little bit, and then stay put where I was and plateau, and then I'd decreased a little more and plateau again, and then I'd lose some more weight and plateau there, and so on. I was very slowly digressing and just felt STUCK.
I didn't want my anorexia to totally overtake me again to the point that treatment was the only option, but I also had zero desire to make improvements and make the changes that would result in things getting better. I was one foot in my eating disorder and one foot out. I WAS SO STUCK. I just couldn't move. I didn't want it to get better, and I didn't really want it to get worse either. I thought I'd live with one foot in and one foot out for the rest of forever. Eventually, as everyone suspected, it all slipped out of control. The further I opened ED's door (by restricting more and exercising more and losing more weight) the more consumed by him I was. Soon enough I was 110% in the eating disorder boat and we were moving fast towards our only two options: treatment or death.
So, as my teacher asked, how does this power equation apply to areas of our life that we're stuck? Could it help? YES. Yes, it could have. I just had this awesome moment there in the class where it all made so much sense. What she had just taught rang SO true for me and hit SO close to home.
In the equation I am B and my eating disorder is A. Power of A (anorexia) over B (me) is equal to B's (my) dependence on A (anorexia). Anorexia's power over me was only as great as my dependence on anorexia. BOOM.
I was stuck because I was DEPENDING on my eating disorder. It was my muse and my vice. I needed it. It was my companion. I was so so so dependent on this ILLNESS to survive... even though it was killing me the whole time. Although this was cool for me to put all together, I think I understood even back then how to get out of my situation (stop depending so much on this addiction of mine) I just didn't have the strength or means to actually stop depending on it. It had to be ripped away from me in order for me to let it go.
I believe this power equation fits into almost every "stuck" situation we find ourselves in. When we feel powerless, we need to stop depending on the thing/person that has power over us.
