Monday, May 28, 2018

comparison

because i just made a little birthday post, i'm now sitting here comparing my 20th birthday to my 21st birthday. on my 20th birthday i didn't eat all day until 'dinner' when i allowed myself some grapes and carrots as a pre-workout . i didn't even allow my mom to make me a cake. i blew a single candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. i spent my night working out for hours at the gym. i left my family celebrating at my house without me so i could go burn more calories. i wasn't in a good place. i was so hijacked and so gone.







i'll be honest, sometimes i long to be back there. i'm nostalgic for it. but, i'd never want anyone i love and care about to experience a birthday (or any day of their life) like i was. it's just no way to live! "living with an eating disorder isn't living, it's merely surviving"



Thursday, May 24, 2018

21 years old

back in april i had my 21st birthday. i started the day out at breakfast with 2 of my best friends. i then got to relax at home a bit, and i also went and got my passport! my passport was my birthday gift from my parents, so i figured it was about time i actually went and applied for it.



later in the afternoon i met up with friends and we headed to the LANY concert. it was a simple day, but SO so great. i felt so loved all week long!

also, i'm in love ^^^ best night ever.

 

saturday morning was my birthday party. i had my cute friend jess (who is a HIGH fitness instructor) come do a high fitness class for me and my friends. i know i'm loved, because who wants to go work out for a birthday party? especially on a saturday morning? holla to all my friends who were able to make appearances.

that night my sweet sweet friend malone threw me a birthday party. we got a hotel room in provo and just had a girls night! it was a whole week of celebrating - which is everything i could ever ask for and more.


year 20 was hard. it started with me and an absolute rock bottom, and the remainder of the year was me trying to get out of that rock bottom - not an easy process. here's to year 21 and all the joy and blessings that are about to be experienced.


Friday, May 4, 2018

may 4th


ONE WHOLE YEAR. i have been in treatment for a whole entire year. I can’t believe it. exactly one year ago I surrendered and got the help i so desperately needed (for the third time). I’m laying in bed as I write this and look back on where i was may 3rd of last year. I spent one last day of zero calories consumed, and I spent one last night of hours at the gym. i lay here and look at pictures and realize i was walking death. and then that night i prayed and prayed that my heart would stop in my sleep. i didn’t want to go back to treatment. i didn’t want to be hospitalized again. i’d been there and done that twice, i didn’t think i had it within me to do it a third time. i didn’t want to see the food that was about to be put in front of me, i didn’t want to gain the weight, i didn’t want to feeding tube that i knew would come when i refused to eat. i didn’t want any of it. i wanted to die from my illness. so every night i’d pray for it to take my life, but this night i prayed extra hard, because it was my last chance. it was the “night before life goes on”. it was one of the most painful nights yet.

the next morning was excruciating too. i was so disappointed when my eyes opened the next morning. it took all my energy to lift my frail little body out of my bed. i took a few last pictures of the body that was about to be destroyed and ripped away from me. i’ve yet to experience heart ache like that. and then i got ready, and dressed in an outfit that was sure to show off my prized possession- the skeleton i was. it took blood sweat and tears to get myself to that weight, i wanted to showcase my hard work while i still had proof of it. and then before i knew it my dad was lifting my suitcase that weighed as much as me into my car, and we were off. soon enough the two of us were crying as he said goodbye and left me in the hospital that was specialized in eating disorders. they were going to help me, but they were going to destroy me while they did it.


although this wasn’t my first or even my second time i found myself in this situation, it was probably the most painful time. probably because i was more so in my eating disorder then ever before. it was truly a bigger part of me then it had ever been before. my heart still aches to go back. my heart still misses it. but i’m happier now. and life is truly working out in my favor. everything seems to be falling into place - despite a body and a weight i’m so unhappy and uncomfortable with. 

to “celebrate” my one year of consistent treatment - no breaks - we stepped me down to iop this week. after a whole year i’m officially an out patient and no longer considered even partially hospitalized. WOW. what a year it’s been. iop means i still go to treatment 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. it’ll be good to separate myself a little bit and to take this next step forward. to be honest, i’m burnt out. who wouldn’t be after a whole year? 

i don’t know what this next year will hold. will i fall in the trap of anorexia again? will i re-commit each day to recovery and finally get it figured out? it’s unknown. everything in life is unknown. but i have faith that this last year will prove to be the most beneficial - and best - year FOR my life. not of my life, but for my life. it sucked. it was hard. it has me DRAINED. but i believe this last year is the beginning of every blessing that is to come.