comparison

because i just made a little birthday post, i'm now sitting here comparing my 20th birthday to my 21st birthday. on my 20th birthday i didn't eat all day until 'dinner' when i allowed myself some grapes and carrots as a pre-workout . i didn't even allow my mom to make me a cake. i blew a single candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. i spent my night working out for hours at the gym. i left my family celebrating at my house without me so i could go burn more calories. i wasn't in a good place. i was so hijacked and so gone.

i'll be honest, sometimes i long to be back there. i'm nostalgic for it. but, i'd never want anyone i love and care about to experience a birthday (or any day of their life) like i was. it's just no way to live! "living with an eating disorder isn't living, it's merely surviving"