brock

on may 8th i became an aunt x 3 and welcomed my FIRST nephew into this world.

^fresh from heaven and not even 24 hours old. 

the yummiest lips i've ever seen

he was born a CHUNK. i'm talking a 9 pound baby here.

all the heart eyes for his open eyes

he looks just like his dad (my big brother) in this one. my heart!

my personal favorite photo. that little fist on my chest kills me.

annnnnd i could never get enough of his snuggles. i've taken a couple naps now with him (also napping) on my chest. it's heaven!

here's my brother and his best friend with their sons who were born 5 weeks apart. i can't wait to see the little friendship that's about to develop.

within the next month i'll be welcoming nephew #2 into the world. i can't wait! gimme allll the babies pls.

good things + random lovlies

on cinco de mayo my roommates and i threw a LIT party at our new house. it was the first of many parties. we had a great turn out with 100-200 people, a dj, lots of dancing, and hella chips and queso.

 jeeping

 mothers day

random selfies in new pretty clothing.

baking a gluten free, dairy free, cake for our b-day queen (i was proud of how it turned out.) and a celebration for her of course.

a new turquois stackable ring

my best friend getting married 

my "fridge section" stocked full of the necessities

sneaking into sundance late at night 

and sooooo much more. XOXO

sunday on the lake

a few weeks ago my roommates and i (along with kait's cute little sister) loaded up nicoles mini van with kayaks and floaties, and we headed up to tibblefork.

we spent the afternoon basking in the sun while out on the lake.

 ^^reality haha

it's days like these that i'm going to look back on and miss.

afterwards i went home for sunday dinner, went on a bike ride with my mom, and then went on a walk with my roommates once we all made our way back to provo. such a perfect summer day.

weight restored, and an update.

i've almost been weight restored for a whole year now. it's weird. i've never lasted nearly this long. granted, majority of that year was still spent in treatment where they monitored and controlled my weight, but, i've remained weight restored for a month and a half out of treatment now. that itself is a success. it's hard. it hurts. it's so bittersweet. it's honestly heartbreaking in a way, but on the bright side, this might just be it. what if i'm finally recovering? being in treatment or not, i've never lasted so long in recovery.

speaking of treatment and recovery, i did quit treatment. i was having such a hard time showing up each day. after a full year of being in the hospital i was just D-O-N-E. i'm still meeting with a dietitian and a therapist weekly though. that'll hopefully keep me on track. it was just time to move on and time to finish up my time in 'programming'. it had been too long. i needed to get back to real life.

so here i am, living real life. i'm moved out in a CUTE house in provo with 2 friends (kait and nicole.) kait has been a best friend since high school, and nicole and i met once we moved in (although we'd been looking for a house together for a few months, we knew each other threw mutual friends, so i already considered her a friend) and she's quickly become one of my best friends. jenna is moving in with us in august. she's one of those people who i've just felt SO close with since day one. i'm also working full time and keeping myself pretty busy. i somehow am balancing 4 jobs - doterra, upwell health, nannying, and teaching dance. (3 of those are VERY part time though, i'm no wonder woman.)

overall, life is GOOD. life is working out just the way it's suppose to be. it's amazing to see how EVERYTHING is just falling into place. it's a big motivation for me not to throw everything a way. life is too good right now... i can't give that up!

as for eating disorder life.... i'm really struggling again. i'm fighting with my body and my food everyday. my urge to lose weight is out of this world, and therefore i'm actively seeking out weight loss, and i'm restricting a LOT. however, my body isn't responding the way it normally does. it's holding on to evvverrry single pound. it's so desperate to NOT go through starvation and 'malnourishment' again. it does not want to be underweight again.... so it's fighting to avoid it. yeah, it's a blessing, but it is FRUSTRATING. holy cow it's driving me mad. it makes me feel like such a lazy failure. it makes me feel inadequate and incapable. it's lowering my self esteem. maybe the answer is to eat normal and accept my body as it is? but that seems impossible right now. it's a daily fight, but we're just taking it day by day, hour by hour, and working our best to keep myself happy and enjoying life.

i know this is my healthy weight, but it's hard for me to see that. i genuinely feel overweight. i feel like people look at me and consider me to be a "bigger" more big boned and hefty girl. it shouldn't crush me, but it does. i look at my reflection and just cry with what i see. i feel like the secret to happiness is losing 20 pounds, yet i know i can't just lose 20 pounds. i never know how or when to stop. me even losing 5 pounds is like an alcoholic taking one drink or getting drunk once. it just doesn't work. this is an addiction, and i can't give in. but how do i not give in when i'm so dissatisfied with what i see?

at the end of the day, i'm very blessed. i have so much potential and i have so much going for me. i see that and i recognize that! i just really need to get over this stump of body image.

moab - memorial day weekend.

trip number one of the summer was a success! it might not seem too excited or like much of a "travel" considering it's just a few hours south - and in the same state that i live in - but it was an absolute DREAM.

it ended up just being mandi and i. we had a whole group that was going to come, and they all bailed last minute. we scrambled and almost went with a bunch of strangers, but it ended up just being us. it was a bit of "bad news" at first when everyone else bailed, but it ended up being a good thing. i wouldn't of traded it for anything else!

we left friday afternoon after work, getting my tires aligned, and a target trip. that night we got into town and had dinner at "peace tree". we shared the most delicious nachos. after dinner we got ice cream cones and ate them as we walked around town and people watched. i was going to forego on the waffle cone, but mandi talked me into it. true friend.

it was such a simple night, but i loved it! it was dark out, but still nice and warm. such a perfect summer evening. it's been so long since i've been to moab, and i fell in love with the little town. i could of walked around forever just people watching and soaking it all in.

around 10 p.m. we headed to arches national park and hiked delicate arch underneath the moonlight. we sat underneath the arch and talked forever. it was the perfect start to our trip.

that night we slept in my car the parking lot below the trail head. we woke up early to heards of people coming in to hike. we drove to a gas station to change and brush our teeth. we then headed to left hand. it's this pretty hike up to a watering hole. there's waterfalls, cliffs for cliff jumping, and bodies of water to cool off / swim in. we spent many hours up there that day laying out in the sun - i even took a nap up there! some of the hike is hiking through water, i loved every second of it!

after hours in the sun i was exhausted! we went to milts (the cutest hole in the wall burger joint - it looked delicious) and i passed out with my head on the table. afterwards we went to the park and set up cots in the shade. i continued my fat nap there while mandi read and people watched.

that night we went and charged our phones at a cute ice cream (or technically "cyrocream" - it was the softest, and best thing i've ever tasted) shop in town. we slept in the car once again. this time in a hotel parking lot.

sunday we drank diet cokes first thing in the morning while charging our phones at mcdonalds. we then hiked back to left hand. after that hike (and spending a few hours at the watering hole) we went to an arts festival. i slept in the grass... after my nap, we hiked to morning glory bridge. we ended the night the same way we started it - drinking diet coke in mcdonalds and charging our phones. we spent one more night in my car, in a new hotel parking lot. we woke up monday morning, and headed home. we left early so we could beat the memorial day traffic, and so i could get home in time for work that night.

it was the most perfect, refreshing weekend! it was SO needed. you know how certain people come into your life, and complete a part of you that you didn't know was missing? that is mandi for me. she's a forever friend, and a human that god knew i needed! not only did we laugh the whole weekend long (and leave moab with a million inside jokes), we also had a lot of deep talks and heart to hearts. i'm forever grateful for this memorial day weekend, and i'm equally grateful for mands.