Wednesday, March 30, 2016


i work part time at doterra and part time as a nanny/babysitter. if i was smart i'd probably just nanny full time because it's one of the most rewarding jobs in the world.
i just have this "natural mom" deep within me that can't wait to be released full force. i'm only 18, but i love spending time with young children and getting a glimpse at what being a mom is like. whether i'm busy being an aunt, helping my mom teach her preschool classes, or babysitting, i'm generally always with kids in my free time and i wouldn't trade it for anything! i actually just got a calling earlier this month to teach a primary class each sunday my class is full of 5 and 6 year old girls and i adore it. if you ever want to die your hair pink and be surround by people who love it..... spend time with 5 year old girls, you'll leave feeling like the coolest person ever ;)
there's something about unloading and reloading the dishwasher over and over again, rinsing out  rotten milk bottles (even though there's no worse smell in the world) changing diapers, putting clean socks on a babies little feet, making a bed and folding blankets, picking up toys, cuddling a baby to sleep, greeting them when they wake up from their nap and so forth that just fulfills me. it's the weird & simple tasks that most people would dread or feel indifferent about that leave me feeling so accomplished and proud. i think this is because i (along with every other girl and women) was born with this natural mom within me. i crave motherhood and all the clean up and sticky duties that come along with it.

as i spend more and more time with kids, i can't help but crave motherhood more and more.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

easter weekend.

my easter weekend started out with LOTS of babysitting (between Friday and Saturday i spent over 21 hours babysitting... i may or may not need a nap now) i took the kiddo's to local easter egg hunts and i also brought ingredients over to their house for us to make easter treats together; because as we all know, being festive makes me happy.
(chocolate preztle cookies "nests" & reese's peanut butter eggs. the cookies may of not been super great because the boys i nanny were more interested in eating the eggs out of all the nests. at least they were cute though right?)
after a long weekend away from my house i was excited to spend sunday relaxing with all my family close by. my heart has been SO full of gratitude and love it could just burst. as i've gotten older i've really come to appreciate the gospel more and more. i recently got a primary calling and i now teach a class of 5 and 6 year old girls, obviously our resurrection/easter lesson was very simple, but it's crazy how much you can learn from breaking things down and teaching them in the simplest terms. my mom made an easter dinner of ham, cheesy potatoes, rolls, and cooked carrots. at our easter dinner i had a lot of questions for my dad and we had an awesome gospel discussion as a family. i've grown up in this gospel my whole life but i'm coming to realize how much i truly don't know; but i'm learning more and more every day and it's such an exciting feeling. the gospel just makes sense. everything fits together and it just all makes so much sense. learning about it and understanding it is so fulfilling.

nothing says easter like a floral dress and pastel hair right?

besides spring dresses, easter dinner, family, and the spirit, we had fun searching for our easter baskets in the morning, going on an easter egg hunt after church, and making lots of strawberry milk. i love having my nieces live with us everyday, but i especially love it on holidays. the thought of the easter bunny coming to deliver treats is just so much more exciting when you room with a 3 year old.
and if you're having a bad dad just enjoy these terrible awkward photo's of me dancing. happy easter.

Monday, March 28, 2016

Happy Easter (a day late)

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross. On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world's history, that Friday was the darkest. The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord bust that bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind. 
Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.” 

Friday, March 25, 2016

happy 21st alexis anne.

last friday my sweet older sister turned 21 years old.
last year she was out in alabama serving as a full time missionary, as happy as were with where she was and what she was doing - we certainly missed her! this year, we actually got to celebrate WITH our lexi lou. sadly i didn't get to spend as much time with lexi on her birthday as i would've like too because was babysitting alllll day long (for reals, 5:30am-7pm) but as soon as i got home i gave her the biggest hug ever and helped my mom prepare her birthday feast of steak, mashed potatoes, rolls, and fresh zucchini. at dinner we talked about all of our favorite lexi memories and stories. after her birthday dinner we watched her open presents and then sang happy birthday to her with cake and ice cream.

sadly, i had to quickly bounce after singing happy birthday so i could get to a friends bachelorette party, after i left the rest of the fam went bowling to finish celebrating lexi's day.
thankfully, i got to spend more time with lex the next day. my mama took me and my sisters up to park city for some lunch and shopping at the outlets (rip @ my bank account because holy outlet sales)

lexi is a sunshine. anyone who's ever met her could tell you that, in fact, people have been telling my family that ever since she was in elementary school. lexi is so friendly to every person she meets and she ALWAYS has a great big smile on her face. it's impossible to be around her without having your spirits lifted. i'm sure gratefully for lexi and the positive influence she has on me.
happy 21st birthday alexis anne.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016


a few weeks ago my sister heather bought a new camera and she wanted to play around with it, so we drove up the canyon and through downtown PG and found cute places to take some pictures.

the weather was perfect. being outside during this time of year when it's finally warming up after the cold winter months is amazing. viatimin D makes me happy, and so do floral dresses, and my sisters.

Sunday, March 20, 2016


i'm so glad she likes twinning with me; especially when it involves cheetah jumpsuits & miley buns. being an aunt couldn't be more sweet.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

"i think it's going to be okay"

paisley is generally a pretty sweet little girl but this past two sundays ago she was especially sweet and kept melting my heart over and over again. i was having really hard day, mid melt down with tears rolling down my face sweet paisley climbed onto my lap, hugged me, and whispered in my ear "i think it's going to be okay" despite my crazy overwhelming emotions, i actually smiled.
later in the day while having another major melt down paisley went to the pantry and grabbed a box of pancake mix; she then walked up to my mom and said "grammy, i need a bowl and a cup. i'm going to make courtney some pancakes" unfortunately, i wasn't so sure pancakes were going to help me; but the fact she was so eager and willing to help brought some peace to my tender heart.
she then sat down with me at the table while i cried & she ate frosted flakes. a few minutes later my dad was heading out for a drive with my little brother and asked if i wanted to join, i let him know that i was feeling tired and thought i'd nap instead. paisley instantly stood up on her chair, grabbed my hand and said "i'll go put you to bed." i thanked her and told her she could finish her cereal first. as soon as paisley finished her cereal she was quick to grab my hand and once again offer to " put me to bed" laying me down for a nap was at the top of her agenda and she wasn't going to forget.
as she led me down the stairs to my room we passed her mom, she informed her mother that "courtney is a little sleepy. i'm going to put her to bed!" once we got to my room she unmade my bed for me and surrounded me with stuffed animals, she then turned off the light and shut the door and headed back upstairs.
paisley is my rock. when i'm crying over food and eating and throwing a fit and making things difficult for my parents she'll leave her toys, come sit with me, and tell me "it's yummy!" (yes. i'm ridiculous and throw tantrums.... YIKES right?! she's the one who's acting like the 18 year old and I'M the one acting like i'm 3)

sometimes i lose sight of what i want in life. it's easy for my dreams and goals to be swallowed up in "the future" sometimes getting married and having babies of my own just doesn't motivate me because they're so distant. sometimes i feel like their hopeless and i may as well just give up.... but then there's the thought of paisley and maycie. i want to be their auntie here on this earth for as long as i get, and i don't want that time to be cut short because i don't take care of my physical body and give it the fuel it needs to survive. i don't want to be a faint memory and some photographs to those two, i want them to have REAL memories of me and with me. i want to stick around for those babies.
who knew a 3 year old and a 1 year old could give me so much power and strength!? these two are such mighty miracles to me. god is so good. and you know what? i think paisley is right. i think it's all going to be okay. i'm more and more grateful to be an aunt each day.

Saturday, March 12, 2016


febuary is "NEDAwareness month." more specifically, february 21st-27th is NEDAwareness week. NEDA stands for "National Eating Disorder Association." as many of you saw from this post my grim reality is battling an eating disorder of my own every single day. it's something i'm generally super private about and i rarely open up about with people outside of my close friendship circle and family. (in fact i wrote this post and published it during NEDA week. shame/embarrassment got the best of me and i deleted it. whoops. here we are trying again) i would love to be brave enough to post on facebook, instagram, or twitter about NEDA week to help raise awareness (because that's what the point of this week is) but because i'm not brave enough i'll post about it on here instead. when ever i feel like i need to be open and vulnerable about this topic and this area of my life i turn to this good ole' trusty blog because i have very few readers haha.
i guess this battle is something i'm pretty ashamed of. i don't like that fact that i'm still really struggling with it after all the help and support i've received. i have been so fortunate to have had the opportunity to get professional treatment and help. a lot of people don't ever have that chance. not only have i received that help i also have a supportive family. i've always had a safe place to go home to after leaving treatment. sadly, MANY people don't have that safe place to call home and that is what keeps them from actually recovering.
aside from all the support and love i have and still not being successful (yet) i have a lot of embarrassment for ever struggling with this in the first place. struggling with anorexia is such a shameful thing for me and it's almost mortifying to think that a lot of people do know about my battle. it's not something i'm proud of and want to brag about or flaunt, because in 100% honesty there's nothing "brag worthy" or "cool" about it. it's not something i want those around me to be aware of. overall, it's a piece of me that i'd rather avoid and pretend that it has never existed. it's a piece of me that i want hide and deny. sometimes i think that if i hide it and ignore it long enough it'll eventually disappear.

it's hard to even put into words what i have to say about this past week and month. it's hard to know what i want to say to help raise the awareness. a lot that i feel like needs to said was already written here. the reason i stepped out of my comfort zone and put myself out there with that blog post (and actually shared the blog post on social media) is because i'm sick of people 'not getting it' eating disorders are SO misunderstood and they're constantly being glorified and it makes me crazy.

i want to contribute to last week by helping bringing awareness; but eating disorders are incredibly complex and complicated. there is so much that i wish i could explain in depth. but in short, here's a few key things i wish people understood about eating disorders:

******(majority of this is taken from my original post so for those of you who've already read that you may remember some of what you're reading. this post also ended up being much
 longer then i originally planned, if you can't bring yourself to read the whole thing you should at least read the bolded points ;) )******

1.eating disorders are not glamorous.  i've heard so many people state that they "wish" they had an eating disorder because they "want to be skinny." let me testify that no matter how much weight you lose the last thing the illness brings is satisfaction with your body. no matter how much mass the eating disorder peels off of you you won't be satisfied with your body. it'll NEVER be enough. in fact; you only become more preoccupied and obsessed with your appearance. even after losing weight you're more upset with your body then you were in the first place. as you lose weight, you only create more dissatisfaction. how can you expect to gain love and respect for yourself when you're slowly starving and killing yourself? that's like thinking you'll learn to love a neighbor by constantly bashing on them, gossiping about them, and trying to find out ways to get them to die. it just won't ever work. when the eating disorder enters your world suddenly the ONLY thing that matters is the number on the scale and whether you have a thigh gap or not. i can promise you that the most depressing life you can live is one that revolves around your appearance. and let's be real,
"living" with an eating disorder isn't living at all, it's merely surviving. you might look at the thin frame and think us victims "have it all" but what you don't see the depression, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. you don't see is the declining physical and mental health. no one mentions the headaches that no amount of pain medication could relieve, no one mentions the dry, cracked, hurt skin. not only is it painful - it's ugly. my hands have never been more unattractive then when they were purple and yellow. no one mentions the fatigue, passing out, being light headed, constantly being dizzy, falling over, having a slowed heart rate and low blood pressure. no one mentions how you feel like you ran a marathon by simply turning the steering wheel in your car or walking up the steps to your front door because you have absolutely no energy. yet, despite the painful fatigue you feel the constant need to be "burning calories" and working out. when you have no energy and when your world is consumed by food (or the lack thereof) you lose yourself. the more power i gave my eating disorder the more power i lost myself. suddenly my voice was 100% gone. i no longer heard Courtney (the one who likes eating raw cookie dough, and cats, and laughing, and making others laugh, and singing in the car, and staying out late pulling pranks with friends) Courtney was no where to be found. all that was there was a walking eating disorder. the eating disorder convinced me i liked running, counting calories, hiding in the corner of my room, and having the body of a 8 year old boy. i was completely gone. there was no more spring in my step, there was no more light in my eyes, there was no more smile on my face. i didn't laugh, and i didn't feel happiness.
2. having an eating disorder shows no form of praise worthy self control. the world has this idea that if you choose not to eat and go running instead you somehow have "control" but i promise you, being able to starve myself is not self control. no it's not hard for me to pass up food; no it's not hard for me to "miss out" on treats when my mom makes cookies and cake and brownies; BUT it's not "will power"and it doesn't make me "strong." in fact i have no power and i have no control and i'm not strong. it gets to the point where you're sitting and you're staring at a pancake that you WISH so badly you could eat, but there's a voice in your head telling you "no. nope. don't you dare. don't you even think about it" and your mom's next to you with her arms around you trying to convince you that it'll be okay and that the pancake won't hurt you, but you're sobbing because that damn eating disorder is screaming "she's lying! that pancake will ruin your week and make you blow up like a balloon. and gaining weight is the worst thing that could happen to you" and who do you choose to believe? that obnoxious, mean, lying voice that's in your head.  wanting to die after chewing a piece of bubble gum because of the 'calories' is not self control. sobbing over "caving" at 6 pm and eating an apple and feeling like a "fat failure" is not self control. it's being controlled.
3. eating disorders aren't a choice.  it isn't just a lifestyle or a fad. it isn't just a temporary extreme diet. it is a diagnoses. i didn't wake up one morning and decide "hmmm i want to 'go' anorexic for a little bit" one term i hate is "going anorexic" or "going bulimic" it's a real illness and disease. it's not something you decided to "start" one day and decide to "end" a little bit later once you're "over it." it's
a real illness and a real battle. sadly, this battle is a battle i may just face the rest of my life. it's not something i can just "snap out of" or "get over" trying to survive with an eating disorder is living hell. trying to recover is a living hell. it's something you WISH so badly you could get out of, but getting out of it would require to face it. and facing it is terrifying, painful, and paralyzing. you feel stuck and trapped all day.

case and point eating disorders are nothing like the world and media makes them out to be. they're real and they're painful. i hope someday this illness will stop being glamorized and the world will be more aware of what this disease really looks like and consists of. if you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder NEDA is always there to help. you can call their toll free confidential helpline at 1-800-931-2237.