Saturday, October 31, 2015

happy birthday rylan.

last week one of my favorite girls turned 19. to celebrate we went to zupa's for dinner and then headed to a friends home for cake and ice cream.

rylan is easily one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. she will always go out of her way to make sure everyone feels included. because of that when ever you're with her you can't help but feel loved, important, and cared for. not to mention, she's a party animal! never a dull moment with ry pie.

thanks for being the sweetest friend and a BABE. happy 19th rylan!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

more then a body

these days it's rare to find a girl with awesome body image. how ever, i don't think many of us girls fully understand what body image is actually about. it's not about loving your thighs and being crazy about your stomach. having positive body image isn't actually about the appearance of your body, but instead what your body can do and how it serves you. us girls are known for making the mistake of confusing "my body" with "what my body looks like."

if we want to have positive body image (and honestly who doesn't?!) we need to get past the obsession with the outward appearance of our bodies. any girl has the ability to obtain positive body image, regardless of her weight or size.

too often we live life imagining and envisioning what we look like to those around us. how about we start looking in the mirror and saying "i'm grateful for what i have" vs looking in the mirror and analyzing how others feel about our bodies? who gave those around us the power to determine how we feel about ourselves?! we gave them that power... but guess what? we have the ability to take that power back, so lets do it!

i feel like the first step is the desire. we need to decide how we want our time and energy to be spent. do we want to spend our time and energy pursuing the "perfect body" or enjoying family, friends, school, and most importantly, life. we must accept what is instead of longing for what is not.

it isn't easy to get self love into the core of us - it takes time, effort, and practice.
"we need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don't believe what we're saying. we need to do it, and do it, and do it. day after day, year after year."

self love isn't easy, it's hard. but we can make the commitment to never stop practicing self  care, self love, and acceptance. instead of focusing on our bodies, lets focus on making memories and laughing. lets take back the power we gave away and lets choose on our own how WE feel about our bodies and all the amazing things our bodies do for us.

Monday, October 26, 2015

witches night out 2015

friday night my brothers and my dad went camping/hunting, so the girls decided to head to "witches night out." i think paisley was the most excited of all of us, she insisted we called her "lucinda" all night, because that's apparently a witch name. she was THRILLED that we all had witch hats and were playing 'dress up' with her. maycie didn't fully understand what was going on, but she sure was mesmerized and loved the people watching. 

we spent a good majority of our night out on the dance floor. the two little girls LOVED the dance party that was going on, they loved "shaking" their little bodies to the music. they tug at my heart strings. after lots of dancing, we window shopped.

little maycie's hair is finally long enough for a little itty bitty pony tail on top of her head. does she not just have the sweetest little face?!

aside from our lovely time at gardener village, the rest of the night was.... eventful. we had a dead car battery which led to us squishing in one car. then while trying to get home and turning into chelsea's neighborhood we had unintentionally turned out of a "check point" don't do that my friends! the cop was sure to track us down (while we were all squished in the one car....EEK) apparently turning out of a check point is a class b misdemeanor, thankfully, we got away with just one ticket for 'improper turn.' after we dropped chels & the littles off, we thought the night was over we were headed just a few minutes down the street before chels called us back asking us to come back over. paisley had thrown up all over everything (all over chels, herself, the bed, the carpet... everything) maycie was freaking out because she wanted to be fed - when i say freaking out i mean crying to the point of gagging... that girl has got LUNGS) chels was trying to get herself & pais cleaned up, as well as calm pais down & maycie down. we were over there in a few minutes to help.

after 'grammy' had changed pais into clean jammies i got the honor of finding her some saltines & apple juice and then cuddling her while she watched OSO. my mom & heather were able to clean up all the throw up while chelsea fed maycie and got in the shower. it's weird how moments like this - although hectic, loud, stressful, and crazy - make me excited to be a mom. i guess i know being a mom will consist of many insane moments - its not just pretty babies dressed in crew cuts looking picture perfect for  instagram - it's being thrown up on, having multiple crying screaming children, having messes to clean, ect. although i see how nuts motherhood is, i want nothing more then to be a mama! messes and all.

overall, it was an unforgetable night. i sure love my sisters. (too bad we were missing our sweet lex and our sweet nicole)

Monday, October 19, 2015

little fuzz.

would you just take a look at that fuzzy little head, those huge pretty eyes, and those squishy cheeks? i could just eat her up. the older she gets, the more her personality comes out, and it's so exciting.

speaking of personality... her big sis is full of it! this little miss keeps us laughing and smiling all day. last weekend while she was over at "grammy's and bumpa's" just us two went out in the front yard to star gaze, she bend one arm and put her hand back behind head, she stretched out her other arm, looked at me and said "come here court. i love you" my heart melted as she insisted that i lay my head on her shoulder while we looked at the stars together don't be fooled though... she isn't always that sweet, because on saturday she was over and i asked "pais! want to go outside and cuddle again while we look at stars?" she responded, "hum. nope!" i started to "fake cry" begged and all she had to say was "no! YOU go outside!!"

some other funnies from this sweet and sassy girl:

*while going on a walk through the neighborhood to look at the "monsters" (our neighbors halloween 'graveyard' they have set up in their yard) we asked paisley what she says when she's trick or treating, she replied with "trick or treat. give me some!"

*one night while in my room getting dressed up in costumes she grabbed my teddy bear off my bed and hugged her tight and said "i love you bootsy. you're the best teddy bear ever!" (it's ten times cuter hearing how such pronounces "bootsy" with her high little squeaky voice.

*while playing in a big net pretending to be a "mermaid" who was "stuck" she shouted "stop it stop it net! do not tangle me!"

*paisley pulled her little sisters hair, and then ran away. as maycie started crying, she ran back and said "oh no! mayce, what happened?!" her mom said "well you hurt her" pais shrugged, replied "oh!" and walked away.

these little girls make me the happiest - sass and all!

Saturday, October 17, 2015


on tuesday my number one man turned 51 years old.

this old man is seriously the man. this year i've had a more personal connection to him through the priesthood. he has given me some of the most meaningful, heart warming blessings. it's amazing how he can give these blessings on a whim. i know it's because they aren't words he's coming up with "on his own" it's words that he's inspired to speak from the holy ghost. i'll forever be so grateful for the blessing of growing up in a home where the priesthood is available.

for my dads birthday, all he wanted to do was celebrate by taking his granddaughters to hee haws... and so that is exactly what we did!

the girls loved it. it was darling to see how excited they were to ride the pony, pet the goats and sheep, go down the big slide on a burlap sack, ect. hee haws is the perfect place to take your littles during the fall, it made me even more excited to have babies of my own someday.

after our "party" at hee haws we headed back home for dinner, presents, cake & ice cream. i think "bumpas" favorite present was the only paisley had picked out for him (the pink flower hair clip... such a fun grandpa)

bumpa had been sharing his piece of cake with little mayce, and we decided it'd be cute to see what she'd do with her own piece, so we took off her shirt, and let her have at it.

it wasn't long before her cake was no longer on her plate and instead all over her stomach, in her hair, and smashed on her chair. as soon as that cake was gone she picked up her plate and started licking the chocolate frosting off of it. we couldn't stop laughing, i'm getting excited for her first birthday party now. afterwards, we gave maycie a bath, got the girls in their jammies, and went on a walk around the neighborhood. happy birthday daddy-o, i loved celebrating your 51st birthday with you.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

logan, ut.

last week me, my mom, and my sisters all headed up to logan for a wedding of a close family friend.

the reception was held in the prettiest old rock church & the ceremony was held out in the church's garden. the weather was perfect for a wedding & they had a violin and cello playing music, it was such a breathtaking wedding.

being up in logan reminded me of just how cute logan truly is. whether it's because i'm attending school at Utah state, or just for fun, i'm set on living in that cute town someday.
it was so great to spend time with some of the greatest woman in my life. i feel blessed everyday for the family i've been given.


saturday night (technically sunday morning) i woke up with an awful stomach bug, which resulted in me spending the rest of the night sleeping on the bathroom floor.... or trying to sleep that is.
sunday morning around 9 i finally got in my bed and i spent the rest of the day there.... i literally did not get out of my bed until 8 p.m.
being so sick for a full 24 hours made me realize how long 24 hours truly is. it also made me realize how grateful i am for my health. i don't remember the last time i had a stomach bug, it's been well over a year (and proably 2 or 3 years) since i've thrown up & had the flu. this weekend i was reminded of just how miserable nausea is. i think i need to count my blessings regarding my immune system when it comes to the stomach flu. here's to hoping i go another 2-3 years before having to deal with it again.

at 8 when i finally got myself out of my dark bedroom - and made my way upstairs - i decided watching elf with my family may just cheer me up for a bit, i'm happy to say it was a success. watching elf distracted me from the pain i was in and made me insanely excited for Christmas... the most wonderful time of the year is starting NOW! fall, halloween, crisp air, leaves, thanksgiving, snow, christmas, lights, caroling, i could just cry with excitement.

after a day with nothing to eat but some ice chips, i felt pretty weak. monday was full of more rest and doing my best to get some food in me. by tuesday i already felt like a new person. once again, counting my blessings that the stomach flu doesn't last for much longer then 24 hours.

beside getting excited for Christmas and the holidays, i was also filled with the spirit as i read this conference talk. it may just be my all time favorite talk from this past session.

"there is no darkness so dense, so menacing, or so difficult that it cannot be overcome by light."

Saturday, October 10, 2015

conference weekend.

last weekend was fall general conference. general conference is held twice a year - once in the spring and once in the fall - those may just be my two favorite weekends of the year. general conference is  full of inspiring uplifting messages and it always leaves my heart feeling extra happy.

saturday morning i was able to watch conference from the conference center, which is always a neat experience. but wether you're sitting in the same room as the prophet, or watching him from your couch while eating homemade pizza, the spirit is always so undeniably strong. after the morning session i headed to my little brothers foot ball game.

heather and i had a fun time cuddling our little maycie. paisley was much too busy for cuddling, it's crazy watching her grow and grow, she's such a "toddler" and so not a baby.
saturday night the boys stayed home to watch the priesthood session, and us girls made them brownies to eat as it finished.

sunday was filled with family, naps, and the last two sessions of conference (it's always sad to watch it end.) so long conference...... 6 more months til we meet again.

if you missed conference, you can watch it, listen to it, and read it on it's my favorite "pick me up" for when i'm feeling down.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

nie nie part 2.

remember this post where one of my wildest dreams came true?! (meeting nie nie & hearing her speak.) it's a day i replay over and over in my mind, i'm constantly reminding myself of all the amazing words she spoke. lucky for me, this past thursday i was able to get a "in person refresher" as nie nie spoke at UVU. i was able to attend her speech with my mama and one of my older sisters. although i had so perfectly documented everything she said last time i heard her talk, i was in such a great need of hearing her inspiring words from her herself. she said everything i was needing to be reminded of.

on this blog of mine i document my life through pictures and post about my most pleasant and happy memories. lately i realize that i haven't been incredibly 'real' as i've tried not to get too personal, too often, but i'm realizing the hard days are apart of my journey, and those hard days deserve to be documented as well.
last week my dietitian "fired me," she decided she isn't going to meet with me anymore because i don't obey her and i've been going down hill. she's sick of working harder then i am, and i must admit, it makes sense. if i'm not even going to try then it's a waste of both of our energy. she kindly said that i could call her in a month or two if i'm ready to re-commit to recovery, if not, then she'll see me once i'm back in treatment. at first, my eating disorder was excited and ready to run with the freedom. because she's right, i hadn't been trying. i was willingly falling into relapse. i was choosing to give into "ed" and i hadn't cared.
after really thinking about where i'm headed and really processing what's happening, for the first time in weeks i FINALLY heard Courtney. i FINALLY heard my healthy voice and that voice was reminding me that being sick isn't glamorous - and it's SO not worth it.
nearly this whole year has been spent in treatment and it is now October... the year is just about over and i 've about missed out on the whole thing because i've been working my butt off trying to heal and recover. it's taken all of my attention & i haven't been able to give any time or energy to anything else.
i looked forward to the future and imagined just exactly what relapse would look like. i saw myself taking the next few months dedicated to getting sicker then ever before, and then eventually once i felt "sick enough" i'd be back in 24/7 care. if i get myself to a point where i'm sicker then i've ever been i'll be in crucial need (both physically&mentally) which would result in me needing to be in treatment for months and months and months again.
i finally decided I DON'T WANT THAT! "ed" wants that, Courtney however does NOT! what a waste of time?! that is such a miserable and depressing place to be, why would i want to go there again?! why would  volunteer to give up now after i've come so so so far (and none of that progress came easy.) WHY would i go back now?! ed likes to make me think it's a game. "how much weight can i lose before i die? oh last time i got to ___ pounds, this time around lets see if i can make it to 10 pounds less then that" it's a dangerous scary 'game' (and it really isn't a game at all)

so here i am, feeling all the motivation in the world and deciding that i'm going to do this whole recovery thing, i'm going to beat my eating disorder into the ground. then suddenly it comes down to making recovery choices - which means following my meal plan and being committed to maintaining a healthy weight - and suddenly i feel paralyzed and it seems impossible. i'm stuck, i don't want things to go uphill or downhill. i wish i could just freeze where i'm at and stay in this "one foot in one foot out" type of a thing. but knowing ed, he won't allow that, he'll eventually get all of me and i'll suddenly be devoted to him again.

as i've tried making healthy recovery choices again, body image has been awful. guilt after eating all 3 meals and 3 snacks has been really bad and my anxiety over body image is through the roof.
as my heart was heavier then ever, i got to listen to Stephanie Nielson talk. my heart was touched & i was overwhelmed with a calm peace that reassured me that i can do this.

a few quotes from nie nie's speech that hit home to me "my family is the sole purpose i came back from the dead, because i knew i was irreplaceable" i may not be a mother yet, but one day i will be. i know their are precious soul's up in heaven that belong to me. i need to stay healthy - here on this earth - so that i can give them the opportunity to come join me on this earth. not only do those future babies need me, but my parents and siblings need me, because our family wouldn't be the same if one of us was missing, and i am irreplaceable. 
just like nie nie, i believe that i am one of gods eternal purposes. my job here isn't done yet, and my job can't be done until i choose to live this life in THIS body.

some more quotes that really hit home: "almost dying has taught me a very valuable lesson about living & i have faith in something larger then myself." 
"i know what it feels like to look different, and it hurts. but i also know what it feels like to be protected and loved." 
"all of these elements could change me from a victim to a survivor. i didn't just want to be a survivor, i wanted to be a thriver."

a million more hugs and kisses to Stephanie Nielson for being one of my greatest role models.