Wednesday, October 7, 2015

nie nie part 2.

remember this post where one of my wildest dreams came true?! (meeting nie nie & hearing her speak.) it's a day i replay over and over in my mind, i'm constantly reminding myself of all the amazing words she spoke. lucky for me, this past thursday i was able to get a "in person refresher" as nie nie spoke at UVU. i was able to attend her speech with my mama and one of my older sisters. although i had so perfectly documented everything she said last time i heard her talk, i was in such a great need of hearing her inspiring words from her herself. she said everything i was needing to be reminded of.

on this blog of mine i document my life through pictures and post about my most pleasant and happy memories. lately i realize that i haven't been incredibly 'real' as i've tried not to get too personal, too often, but i'm realizing the hard days are apart of my journey, and those hard days deserve to be documented as well.
last week my dietitian "fired me," she decided she isn't going to meet with me anymore because i don't obey her and i've been going down hill. she's sick of working harder then i am, and i must admit, it makes sense. if i'm not even going to try then it's a waste of both of our energy. she kindly said that i could call her in a month or two if i'm ready to re-commit to recovery, if not, then she'll see me once i'm back in treatment. at first, my eating disorder was excited and ready to run with the freedom. because she's right, i hadn't been trying. i was willingly falling into relapse. i was choosing to give into "ed" and i hadn't cared.
after really thinking about where i'm headed and really processing what's happening, for the first time in weeks i FINALLY heard Courtney. i FINALLY heard my healthy voice and that voice was reminding me that being sick isn't glamorous - and it's SO not worth it.
nearly this whole year has been spent in treatment and it is now October... the year is just about over and i 've about missed out on the whole thing because i've been working my butt off trying to heal and recover. it's taken all of my attention & i haven't been able to give any time or energy to anything else.
i looked forward to the future and imagined just exactly what relapse would look like. i saw myself taking the next few months dedicated to getting sicker then ever before, and then eventually once i felt "sick enough" i'd be back in 24/7 care. if i get myself to a point where i'm sicker then i've ever been i'll be in crucial need (both physically&mentally) which would result in me needing to be in treatment for months and months and months again.
i finally decided I DON'T WANT THAT! "ed" wants that, Courtney however does NOT! what a waste of time?! that is such a miserable and depressing place to be, why would i want to go there again?! why would  volunteer to give up now after i've come so so so far (and none of that progress came easy.) WHY would i go back now?! ed likes to make me think it's a game. "how much weight can i lose before i die? oh last time i got to ___ pounds, this time around lets see if i can make it to 10 pounds less then that" it's a dangerous scary 'game' (and it really isn't a game at all)

so here i am, feeling all the motivation in the world and deciding that i'm going to do this whole recovery thing, i'm going to beat my eating disorder into the ground. then suddenly it comes down to making recovery choices - which means following my meal plan and being committed to maintaining a healthy weight - and suddenly i feel paralyzed and it seems impossible. i'm stuck, i don't want things to go uphill or downhill. i wish i could just freeze where i'm at and stay in this "one foot in one foot out" type of a thing. but knowing ed, he won't allow that, he'll eventually get all of me and i'll suddenly be devoted to him again.

as i've tried making healthy recovery choices again, body image has been awful. guilt after eating all 3 meals and 3 snacks has been really bad and my anxiety over body image is through the roof.
as my heart was heavier then ever, i got to listen to Stephanie Nielson talk. my heart was touched & i was overwhelmed with a calm peace that reassured me that i can do this.

a few quotes from nie nie's speech that hit home to me "my family is the sole purpose i came back from the dead, because i knew i was irreplaceable" i may not be a mother yet, but one day i will be. i know their are precious soul's up in heaven that belong to me. i need to stay healthy - here on this earth - so that i can give them the opportunity to come join me on this earth. not only do those future babies need me, but my parents and siblings need me, because our family wouldn't be the same if one of us was missing, and i am irreplaceable. 
just like nie nie, i believe that i am one of gods eternal purposes. my job here isn't done yet, and my job can't be done until i choose to live this life in THIS body.

some more quotes that really hit home: "almost dying has taught me a very valuable lesson about living & i have faith in something larger then myself." 
"i know what it feels like to look different, and it hurts. but i also know what it feels like to be protected and loved." 
"all of these elements could change me from a victim to a survivor. i didn't just want to be a survivor, i wanted to be a thriver."

a million more hugs and kisses to Stephanie Nielson for being one of my greatest role models.