weight restored, and an update.

i've almost been weight restored for a whole year now. it's weird. i've never lasted nearly this long. granted, majority of that year was still spent in treatment where they monitored and controlled my weight, but, i've remained weight restored for a month and a half out of treatment now. that itself is a success. it's hard. it hurts. it's so bittersweet. it's honestly heartbreaking in a way, but on the bright side, this might just be it. what if i'm finally recovering? being in treatment or not, i've never lasted so long in recovery.

speaking of treatment and recovery, i did quit treatment. i was having such a hard time showing up each day. after a full year of being in the hospital i was just D-O-N-E. i'm still meeting with a dietitian and a therapist weekly though. that'll hopefully keep me on track. it was just time to move on and time to finish up my time in 'programming'. it had been too long. i needed to get back to real life.

so here i am, living real life. i'm moved out in a CUTE house in provo with 2 friends (kait and nicole.) kait has been a best friend since high school, and nicole and i met once we moved in (although we'd been looking for a house together for a few months, we knew each other threw mutual friends, so i already considered her a friend) and she's quickly become one of my best friends. jenna is moving in with us in august. she's one of those people who i've just felt SO close with since day one. i'm also working full time and keeping myself pretty busy. i somehow am balancing 4 jobs - doterra, upwell health, nannying, and teaching dance. (3 of those are VERY part time though, i'm no wonder woman.)

overall, life is GOOD. life is working out just the way it's suppose to be. it's amazing to see how EVERYTHING is just falling into place. it's a big motivation for me not to throw everything a way. life is too good right now... i can't give that up!

as for eating disorder life.... i'm really struggling again. i'm fighting with my body and my food everyday. my urge to lose weight is out of this world, and therefore i'm actively seeking out weight loss, and i'm restricting a LOT. however, my body isn't responding the way it normally does. it's holding on to evvverrry single pound. it's so desperate to NOT go through starvation and 'malnourishment' again. it does not want to be underweight again.... so it's fighting to avoid it. yeah, it's a blessing, but it is FRUSTRATING. holy cow it's driving me mad. it makes me feel like such a lazy failure. it makes me feel inadequate and incapable. it's lowering my self esteem. maybe the answer is to eat normal and accept my body as it is? but that seems impossible right now. it's a daily fight, but we're just taking it day by day, hour by hour, and working our best to keep myself happy and enjoying life.

i know this is my healthy weight, but it's hard for me to see that. i genuinely feel overweight. i feel like people look at me and consider me to be a "bigger" more big boned and hefty girl. it shouldn't crush me, but it does. i look at my reflection and just cry with what i see. i feel like the secret to happiness is losing 20 pounds, yet i know i can't just lose 20 pounds. i never know how or when to stop. me even losing 5 pounds is like an alcoholic taking one drink or getting drunk once. it just doesn't work. this is an addiction, and i can't give in. but how do i not give in when i'm so dissatisfied with what i see?

at the end of the day, i'm very blessed. i have so much potential and i have so much going for me. i see that and i recognize that! i just really need to get over this stump of body image.