heartbroken pt. 2

(continued....)

everyday is hard, because everyday is full of memories and everyday is nostalgic. every month holds some sort of "landmark" of some eating disorder memory.

february was HARD this year. it was filled with memories of last year's february. at this time last year i was headed straight downhill. i can see the pictures and images that i physically and mentally took. my brain is filled with images of my body and life style exactly a year ago.
last february i went to disneyland with a friend, her fiance, and we met up with my friends brother who i went on a "blind date" with. i brought a whole bag of apples, low fat protein bars, and idealLean protein powder, because that's all i was living off of at the time. i ate ONE meal out with them that whole trip. that's not normal! my friend (who i had only met once for the record) often commented on my my body and how "skinny" i was. she seemed genuinely concerned. last month,  i was so nostalgic of that time.

mid month i went tanning. my mind flashed back to the last time i was in that tanning bed... it was exactly a year prior before my disneyland trip. i took a picture a year ago of my reflection in there. my hip bones, ribs, and sternum were all protruding. i saw my sternum in a way i had never seen it before. it didn't look like a normal bony sternum, it was way more graphic. it almost looked like my bones had bones. it was terrifying, yet, i was proud. i felt pride.
this time, i looked at the difference in my body in that same mirror that's in the tanning bed. i was sad. to be honest, i wasn't entirely upset by how my body looked (for once), but the difference was just heartbreaking. i look so different. not only is my body so different, my lifestyle is so different. i began to spend a lot of time reflecting.
last february i would wake up each day, go to work, spend my 15 minute break on the treadmill walking at its highest incline no matter what i was wearing. dress and heels? i was still on that treadmill! then, i'd come home and go to school. after school, i'd head straight to the gym for 3 hours of working out. each day i'd eat a veggie egg white scramble for breakfast, an apple for lunch, and a protein bar or ideal lean protein powder for dinner. this february, i'm in treatment all day everyday. i'm eating real food, and trying to stay away from the gym. my life is SO different and it's bittersweet (more so on the bitter end). it's sad to reflect! it's hard, and it hurts!

i knew going into march that more memories would be brought up. in march i went back to disneyland, this time with kait, chlo, and kels. i knew our day at laguna beach would specifically be remembered. i posted a picture in a bikini and had so many people messaging me and raising concern. i got comments and messages from people i don't even know telling me i was disgusting and too skinny. were about a year away from that date. it'll be a hard "anniversary" as part of me just wishes to be back there, and the other part of me is appalled at how unwell i truly was.

april will remind me of my 20th birthday. i blew a candle out of an apple that i didn't even eat. my birthday dinner was carrots and a couple grapes while my family enjoyed pizza. then i left my family celebrating so i could go spend my next 2 hours at the gym.

may will remind me of being hooked up to a heart monitor and a feeding tube.

my life is TAINTED by my illness. every month and every day holds painful reflections and memories. fall is tainted by the year my depression developed and the next year when i had my first relapse. i've spent every season (at least once) in treatment. it's hard to relive each season in a new place, and a new 'state'.

as stated before, i am SUCH a sentimental and nostalgic person. bidding farewell to this disease is so hard. i think that is why i've stayed one foot in and one foot out for so long. i'm holding onto the last thing i have of my eating disorder. i'm too sad to let the last bit go.

it's like when a person dies, you don't want to clean out their closet or get rid of their bedroom and belongings. THAT is exactly how i feel about anorexia. i don't want to completely recover because i don't want to to lose the last parts of "me" and my illness. i want to hold on to whatever i can. however, i don't have room in my arms for my illness AND for recovery. i have to pick one. i just hate watching any chapter of my life come to an end. i hate closing doors. i hate change. this is completely soul crushing and heart breaking, because anorexia is no exception.