life isn't empty

"life isn't empty without your eating disorder"

this is something that was said in group the other day that really struck me. so often i'm hesitant to surrender because i wonder "what does life look like without my illness?! what will make me unique? how will i stand out and be special, yet be invisible and wither away so no one can see me at the same time?" too often i feel like my life will be so empty and meaningless once i'm fully living in recovery. i feel like this sickness is my identity. i feel like it's what makes me ME. if i lose it... who am i then? it's scary, because it feels like i'll be losing everything i know and am. 

if i take a step back and if i think about what my life looks like in my illness, it looks like this: full time school. full time work. 2-4 hours a day at the gym... and that's it! when i'm in the depths of my disorder, i have no time for anyone or anything - i'm spread so thin i can hardly breathe. being so busy makes it easier to be so sick, because i don't have time to realize just how miserable i am. in reality, my life will be anything but empty once i surrender. i'll have ENERGY to be who i really am, play with my nieces, hold babies, and stay up late. i'll have TIME to hang out with old friends, make new friends, serve others, read books, go on dates, and just relax (which has always been a challenge for me). i need to remind myself daily that MY. LIFE. WILL. NOT. BE. EMPTY.

this is a trick of E.D's. he knows that if he convinces me that i'm lost and nothing without him, that i'll never let him go, and that he'll have me in his grasps forever - which is his ultimate goal.
if i can somehow learn to give this up, i might just gain so much more then i'm losing.