Monday, January 12, 2015

my heavy happy heart

lately I find myself continually, and continually asking myself, what did i do to deserve this? What could anyone, ever do to deserve this? 
life is hard. each day i experience the same old giant battle, so all i can really do is take it day by day, and hour by hour, but even with that, it's getting old, and i'm often left feeling discouraged and entirely hopeless that my trials could ever get better, or any easier. 
it sometimes seems like I have a sad fate and like I have this unfortunate future already laid out for me and there's no way to escape it. 
i know I'm not the only one who's experienced these emotions, i'm not here saying my burdens are heavier then anyone else's, i know life isn't easy for anyone. 
as challenging as each day is, and as fed up as I am with some of my trials, i'm grateful for a testimony that's growing faster then ever, and a relationship with my Heavenly Father that's getting stronger every day. 
i'm proud of myself for using him as my support and my place of stability in the middle of the storms. 
though studying my scriptures, and saying the longest, most sincere prayers, and sticking right by his side may not solve my issues, and my obedience may not result in him he taking away my burdens, i know he's bringing me comfort, i know i'm not alone.
sometimes it's confusing, because it doesn't seem like it's even any easier with him, but i know it would be harder without him. through the daily heartache, i'm glad to know i've been blessed with much. 
elder holland gave a talk in april's general conference titled "grateful in any circumstance" 
this talk really hit home for me as he stresses the importance of not just being grateful for things, but being grateful through all things. 
gratitude isn't just about recognizing what you have, it's about your attitude towards life and your trials.
"we sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. how much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before we thank god that there is rain?"

most times it would be easiest to let  my  heavy heart get to me, and to 'limit  my gratitude based on blessings i feel i lack' i know for a fact we can all pinpoint blessings we feel we lack, and things that if we could just obtain, would make our lives much simpler, such as a skinnier body, more money, longer hair, a better style, more clothes, more popularity, ect. the list is different for everyone, but i know everyone's written up a list in their head at some point.
but no matter much heartache i experience in a day, no how much stress and anxiety i feel, no matter how much i wish i could change in my life, my heart is happy and so content when i get out of my own head and i go out and serve someone else, i feel so much peace when i sit down and remind myself what life is really about, and when i realize i have it pretty great. because at the end of the day i'm loved, and cared about, and i'm still breathing. 
i'm thankful for the friends and family i have. i'm so blessed to be surrounded by people who make life worth living. 

"when we are grateful to god in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peaces in the midsts of tribulation. in grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. in the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven's embrace."
i'm completely scatter brained, and this post is a jumbled mess, but long story short, i'm proud to say even when my heart is the heaviest, i can also find it at it's happiest. 
now enjoy this selfie of me wearing my new favorite lipstick that came in the mail last week.