as you read from the last post, i ended up back in treatment on may 4th. i was in inpatient care for 4 weeks, and then transitioned to RTC (residential). they're both full hospitalization and 24/hour care, inaptient is just a short term "boost" to get you more medically stablized. RTC patients have less medical risks and don't need quite such intensive watch and precaution; there are a little less heart monitors, feeding tubes, wheel chairs, labs, vitals, blood work, EKG's, etc over on RTC. i spent 4 more months over on RTC. on october 4th, i was finally able to step down / transition to PHP (partial hospitilization program). on PHP we still come to the center / treatment each day, and we're here until after dinner. once 6p.m. comes, we're good to go home and get back to "real life". sleeping in my own home and cuddling my kitty each night has been awesome. as for now, i'm still on the PHP unit. unfortunately - yet luckily at the same time - they are planning on keeping me on this unit for another hot minute. treatment is TIRING. but i'm trying to be patient with myself. these things take time.
there are so many difficult parts about recovering from an eating disorder, two of them being that it is a literal brain disorder and an addiction. it's crazy how you can hate something so fiercely - because it made you so miserable - yet long for it so fiercely at the same time. it's hard not to miss the disorder and being in the depths of it, even though it was slowly killing me.
right now my biggest struggle is body image. weight restoration (and the aftermath of it) is so incredibly challenging. this new body is uncommfortable and hard to live in. this is also the longest i've spent in treatment. last weekend i hit my 6 month mark. rarely do people get the opportunity to stay this long. they're hoping the longer they can keep me in treatment and at this healthy weight, the more accepting i'll become of my new body. with that, they're hoping that once i start meeting with my team just on an out patient basis that my urges to lose weight won't be as high.
this is the longest i've ever maintained a healthy weight. before, i've always gone home and lost at least some right away. this time - with the longer then typical stay and a lot of hard work - we're hoping things will be different. as much as i want things to be different, i'm scared to commit. i am holding back and holding on to the illness. but i am working on fully surrendering and fully sacrificing this eating disorder. it's a work in progress - but i haven't given up just yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment