face plant pt. 2

the other night after i got home from the gym i went on a walk with my mom. i opened up and told her everything. i don't think she realized how bad i'm struggling. her first reaction was LECTURE, but i made it clear that that was the last thing i needed. in that moment, i needed to be honest, and i just needed her to listen. she respected that boundary and i was able to SPILL my head out to her.

after our walk we went to baskin robins and got ice cream for night snack. this was the first time i've had my night snack in awhile. it was almost symbolic of a turning point. it was like a significant "i'm going to do something new, different, and i'm going to quit my shit". it was hard, and ooooh boy there was a lot of guilt and even "regret" if you will that followed afterwards, but i pushed through with motivation in the potential of this working, and of me actually being happy down the road.

i got home and asked my dad to give me a blessing. he asked what was up, and i gave him the run down. i let him know that i've taken a major eating disorder nose dive, how my team wants me back in 24/7 care, how i refuse to go, yet how i DO finally want to get better, and how i'm going to need a blessing of strength to pull myself out of this relapse. because heavens..... i need major strength to get through and make it out alive.

i cried through the whole blessing. it was beautiful! i wish i remember more of what was specifically said, but i'll never forget exactly how i felt. i i know God was the one who gave me the blessing. God gave me a blessing of strength, resilience, and comfort. how cool is that? i'm so grateful for the priesthood!

honestly, this SUCJS. i've said it a bunch, but i'm drowning. i'm so beyond struggling. i'm right back in the depths and wraths of ED. - which is terrifying! it's so scary how quickly it can happen! BUT, this is my turning point. i can't carry on in this misery any longer, so i'm making changes starting NOW. not next week, nor next month (like i always say), but now.