face plant

i feel so out of control right now. i feel desperate for PEACE, but peace is so far out of reach. i'm currently being SO controlled by my eating disorder. my treatment team (therapist, dietician, psychiatrist, nurse practitioner, etc.) wants me to go back to RTC (24/7 care), because i've really taken a nose dive. right now, i feel like i need to accept the call back to 24/7 care to save me and pull me out of this funk. i need help. i need structure. i need support. i’m drowning on my own right now. BUT, i just can't go back. i have too much on the line. i started classes again this semester, and it's too late to withdraw from classes without it showing up on your transcript, plus i've already put HARD work into each class. i don't want it to go to waste! and i have work. i'm at doterra every monday night, i have a few different babysitting gigs set up, and i have 4 dance classes i help teach. i have too much going on and i'm not willing to sacrifice any of it for more treatment. i know my health and well being should be top priority, but to me it just isn't. i refuse to throw the rest of my busy life away at the moment. so, without 24/7 care, i've got to do this myself. but HOW?! i'm in so deep. i'm so consumed! part of me says "i need structure and support!" but then i remind myself that i have both. i'm still IN treatment EVERY single day - and then i'm defeated.... because how can someone relapse so badly before even leaving treatment? i still need more help then i'm getting..... i hate that it's come to this.

i'm in treatment and somehow i've managed a relapse. i use to be one foot in and one foot out, and now i'm completely both feet in, all devotion to my eating disorder. sure, i'm in treatment each day; while i'm there i go through to motions and push through, but it's PAINFUL. as soon as i'm home i'm completed devoted to anorexia. i'm giving in. i'm letting my illness take control. i don't stop letting my illness take control until i have to show my face in rehab the next day. i'm like a heroine addict or a alcoholic showing up to rehab strung out / drunk. i'm "using" before coming to the place that's trying to get me to stop. then i leave, go home, and use some more. i'm weak. or am i strong? my recovery game is what's weak and failing, however when it comes to anorexia, i'm strong and i'm winning. i'm controlled and disciplined. my eating disorder pride flares up... excpet it doesn't last long, because then i go to treatment, eat, and the voice tells me i'm a fat lazy failure.

when i'm at home i'm not eating, and i have this compulsive need, drive, and desire to work out HARD at the gym each day. i go to the point i'm dripping sweat down my neck and face and back. it feels good. but it also feels sad. somedays i don't feel like going to the gym. i don't feel like ruining my hair and make up. i don't feel like waking up at 5:30. i also just don't feel like running after teaching 3 hours of dance. but guess what? i have to. in my head, there is no option. it's addictive. it's compulsive. it's rigid and obsessive. heck - i'm changing into my gym clothes WHILE I'M DRIVING because heaven forbid it take me an extra 5 minutes to start my workout. i'm lying to people. i'm pretending to have plans or be doing homework so i can spend more time at the gym. i'm missing out on life! i'm missing out on sleep! i'm missing out on quality time with people i love because the gym and my eating disorder has once again become the top priority in my life.

i'm in the exact same place i was at the beginning of 2017. the only difference is my weight. i'm not deathly underweight right now, but i'm doing allll the same things i was then. if/when i eat it's an apple and a protein bar, and i'm scheduling my whole life around the gym. i'm leaving treatment early to get to the gym. it's all so out of hand.

and guess what? I. AM. MISERABLE. i'm missing full meals everyday - and restricting really just is not happy! because i'm missing and skipping so much, when i do eat i'm extra stressed and i feel extra guilty. the obsessiveness is growing and it is RIPPING me apart. my eating disorder is ripping me up! i can miss breakfast and lunch and eat yogurt for a snack and it'll RIP me a new one. i'll be losing my shit over a 150 calorie yogurt... the eating disorder is NOT soft spoken. it doesn't let us down easy. yet, i give in.... and i surrender to the illness and i let it take over.

i have completely face planted. in fact, i've literally passed out twice recently. and my EKG has gone downhill. my body is starting to sacrifice so much of my functioning in order to protect my set point (my healthy weight). my body doesn't want to lose weight! it is fighting it HARD - it just doesn't want to go there again. my body is SO. DONE. being underweight. it's trying everything it can to keep me at a healthy weight - even giving up so many of it's proper functions.

the other night as i drove home from the gym, i felt like a failure. i felt desperate for some sort of comfort SOMEWHERE. i felt like a failure because after a hard workout, i still was not satisfied. i didn't feel like i worked out hard and long enough. i was wishing i would've went harder and faster. my eating disorder was just driving me MAD. i've been seeking comfort in anorexia, and it's not bringing me ANY peace. i'm so far from happiness. being sick and in the wraths of E.D. is not fun. my depression is continually going up, and i'm down to my last bit of hope and faith.

if i feel unhappy weight restored, and if i feel unhappy in the constant pursuit of losing weight, then what? what next? when and where and HOW will i get a break? i'm so overwhelmed thinking about it all. how can i accept my weight restored body? the idea of NOT losing weight is just terrifying. the idea of surrendering, taking the leap, and giving up control scares me. it has me shaking. i feel so lost. all i know right now, is i am not happy. something needs to change. i've got to get it together. what i'm doing now is leaving me empty & desperate for something better in life. the problem is, recovery doesn't seem "better", it seems worse, but there's no gray area. it's either one or the other. i'm either sick and devoted to ED or i'm not. i guess what i need to do is take steps into the darkness and take a risk.