ONE WHOLE YEAR. i have been in treatment for a whole entire year. I can’t believe it. exactly one year ago I surrendered and got the help i so desperately needed (for the third time). I’m laying in bed as I write this and look back on where i was may 3rd of last year. I spent one last day of zero calories consumed, and I spent one last night of hours at the gym. i lay here and look at pictures and realize i was walking death. and then that night i prayed and prayed that my heart would stop in my sleep. i didn’t want to go back to treatment. i didn’t want to be hospitalized again. i’d been there and done that twice, i didn’t think i had it within me to do it a third time. i didn’t want to see the food that was about to be put in front of me, i didn’t want to gain the weight, i didn’t want to feeding tube that i knew would come when i refused to eat. i didn’t want any of it. i wanted to die from my illness. so every night i’d pray for it to take my life, but this night i prayed extra hard, because it was my last chance. it was the “night before life goes on”. it was one of the most painful nights yet.
the next morning was excruciating too. i was so disappointed when my eyes opened the next morning. it took all my energy to lift my frail little body out of my bed. i took a few last pictures of the body that was about to be destroyed and ripped away from me. i’ve yet to experience heart ache like that. and then i got ready, and dressed in an outfit that was sure to show off my prized possession- the skeleton i was. it took blood sweat and tears to get myself to that weight, i wanted to showcase my hard work while i still had proof of it. and then before i knew it my dad was lifting my suitcase that weighed as much as me into my car, and we were off. soon enough the two of us were crying as he said goodbye and left me in the hospital that was specialized in eating disorders. they were going to help me, but they were going to destroy me while they did it.
although this wasn’t my first or even my second time i found myself in this situation, it was probably the most painful time. probably because i was more so in my eating disorder then ever before. it was truly a bigger part of me then it had ever been before. my heart still aches to go back. my heart still misses it. but i’m happier now. and life is truly working out in my favor. everything seems to be falling into place - despite a body and a weight i’m so unhappy and uncomfortable with.
to “celebrate” my one year of consistent treatment - no breaks - we stepped me down to iop this week. after a whole year i’m officially an out patient and no longer considered even partially hospitalized. WOW. what a year it’s been. iop means i still go to treatment 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. it’ll be good to separate myself a little bit and to take this next step forward. to be honest, i’m burnt out. who wouldn’t be after a whole year?
i don’t know what this next year will hold. will i fall in the trap of anorexia again? will i re-commit each day to recovery and finally get it figured out? it’s unknown. everything in life is unknown. but i have faith that this last year will prove to be the most beneficial - and best - year FOR my life. not of my life, but for my life. it sucked. it was hard. it has me DRAINED. but i believe this last year is the beginning of every blessing that is to come.
