The good fight.

I found this gem the other day and it really hit home for me. I think i need to frame it and re-read it everyday. Recovery is a constant fight and battle, and when I say constant I don't say it lightly. I'm working so dang hard and sometimes It feels completely pointless, because I'm often unsure If I even want recovery (but we all know that's just ED chiming in too loudly.) When I push myself the most, it's hard to feel good about my "recovery" decisions. I rarely feel proud, instead I feel defeated. Every day I'm tempted to give up. I'm tempted to stop forcing the issue and to just let myself go back to what's "easiest." I get convinced I actually miss the sick version of me. I get convinced that I want to return to my lowest point and my most miserable state. I need to remind myself I DO NOT miss that Courtney. There is power in NOT missing her. She wasn't fun and she had no life to her. She was sad and she had completely lost herself to an illness. I need to remind myself that I NEVER want to be her again. It's not weak to want recovery, its strength. ED tells me otherwise; he tells me that longing to be stuck in my E.D. is powerful. He tells me that hating recovery is being in control. But at the end of the day I KNOW there's real strength, power, and self control in choosing recovery. There's real power chasing recovery and in not letting the illness win. There's real power in fighting instead of submitting. There's real power in controlling my future, not letting my future be controlled by a monster. At this point, letting ED win would be a lot easier. It's going to take much more effort to reach recovery then it would take to get back to my sickest self and my "lowest point." But just because it's going to take more physical and mental strength doesn't mean it won't be worth it. Just because it's a really tough road doesn't mean to easier road will make me happier. I know I want a full meaningful life, not a life full of anxiety, guilt, and obsessively thinking. I want to be free; I don't want to stay stuck in this prison where I respond and obey my "evil puppet master." It's about time I start letting the true desires of my heart show forth through my efforts and actions. I've got to put my mind to it and fight the good fight.